Possible contraception in family

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LoveMyKids said:
Thank you for everyone’s replies. Since it is mostly not recommended that I ask why they haven’t conceived yet I will let it go, or maybe have one of John’s brothers approach him to see what is going on.
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I’m not sure why you would think this is a better approach. If you want to drive a wedge into your sons’ relationship, go ahead.

Just give up the idea that you have any right to know about it. The general consensus was not just that you not say anything, but also that it’s none of your business to begin with. Don’t make their private affairs about yourself and what you want.
 
I think a distinction should be made here.

She can do whatever she wants.

What matters, is what is prudent.

I think everyone in this thread is on the hyper sensitive mode. For all we know, the son or DIL is alright with the question.

But I do agree that it may not be prudent to inquire directly about contraception. And probably for the fact that the mother is asking others if she should do so. If it was prudent for her to do so, she would already know that her son is comfortable about being asked something like this.

Asking if they would like to have children is not offensive, or invasive for a mother to ask her children.

If the mother can have the conversation with respect and allow the son and DIL to share whatever they are comfortable with.
 
rcwitness said:
Asking if they would like to have children is not offensive, or invasive for a mother to ask her children.
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Actually, it is invasive and rude for anyone to ask this, even someone’s own mother.

It’s very possible that they want children, but are having trouble- or have been dealing with miscarriages. Or are having any other number of private issues that they’d prefer not to talk about. Someone- even someone’s own mother- insinuating that she gets the impression that the couple “doesn’t want” children is not appropriate and puts the couple in an awkward, uncomfortable, and potentially hurtful position.

I’d been married more than two years by the time I became pregnant. There were several reasons for that, but there were a few family members who were rude and did put me in an awkward position by bringing it up. Thankfully, my own mother was not one of them. I love her for that.

How is anyone supposed to respond to “Do you even want kids?” without giving away more information than they want to? If this couple wanted the mother to know anything about their fertility, they’d talk about it. Otherwise, it should be assumed that they consider it their private business.
 
I would never be offended at my parents asking if we want children. If I didn’t want to talk about why, I would say

“Yes we do, but its personal why we are not able to.” Or “No, we do not, but we are practicing NFP.”

You see? I am not offended at my mother or father asking this, so in some relationships it’s not rude, or imprudent.
 
I think context is important here. “Are you guys thinking of having kids anytime soon?” is pretty innocuous. A person can reasonably answer that question with as much information as they are comfortable providing. (We hope so. We’re thinking about it. We’re trying. Not quite yet. When the time is right. Not for a while. When such-and-such goal is met. Over my dead body. or whatever.) This is much more reasonable than, “So, are you pregnant yet?” or other incredibly rude questions that people ask women that don’t allow them the opportunity to keep anything to themselves without lying. In as much as the OP has revealed a LOT of toxicity behind her inquiry, it’s probably best that she just mind her own business though.
 
I can’t speak for Psalm30, but in my case, I would consider it a request for information that they have no right to in order to make a judgement they have no right to make. And once the question is asked, there’s no way to answer it without disclosing more than one wanted to disclose. When rude people have asked me if I was pregnant, the best answer I’ve been able to come up with was, “When we have an announcement to make, we’ll let you know.” Frankly, the entire subject should be finalized with that answer and I don’t think anyone should feel they have any right to know anymore than a couple is willing to announce at a given time.
 
Allegra said:
In as much as the OP has revealed a LOT of toxicity behind her inquiry, it’s probably best that she just mind her own business though.
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Exactly. A properly worded question may be okay for someone else to ask, but not for someone who has admitted to having the motives the OP has.
 
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You may be more open to these kind of discussions, but many aren’t. The tone of the OP concerns me because I sense if she didn’t get the answer she wanted, that she might pry deeper by asking more pointed questions, which could lead to family problems. It’s best to just leave it be.
 
Yes, we come from very pro-contraception families (and wife’s is Catholic), so even my parents asking if we were contracepting would be a welcomed conversation.

I’m not really sure why any Catholic would be offended, tbh.

Consider that many couples are pressured by both sides to contracept! That is what offends me! Certainly not a mother who hope’s for more grandchildren.
 
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My brother and his wife had 3 miscarriages before they conceived their 2 sons. (Not twins - one is 2 and the other is 2 months.) Asking when they were planning to have kids could have been seen as VERY hurtful.

I am clinically infertile due to PCOS. Hubby and I are open to the possibility of having children and are considering licit means of fertility treatment (NaPro Technology and medications). I don’t mind being asked if we are open to more children (I have a 14-year-old stepdaughter) but if someone asked when we WERE planning to have more children and implied that we SHOULD have had some by now I might be offended.
 
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rcwitness said:
I’m not really sure why any Catholic would be offended, tbh.
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Because my sex life is the business of myself, my spouse and God. If I want advice, I will go to my priest or a medical &or moral theology expert.
 
But you can say that. Not everyone takes offense. I think, like @Cecilia_Dympna related, its more about how to correspond to the response.

In itself, asking is not evil or wrong.
 
rcwitness said:
In itself, asking is not evil or wrong
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Is it wrong to pry into the business of others that does not concern you? I’d argue that yes, that is wrong.

If you would not be offended or hurt, that’s fine. But that still doesn’t make it right for anyone else to ask. Assuming no one else would be hurt by something just because I wouldn’t be would be insensitive and rude. And presumptuous, considering that I have no such right to the information.

One can never know what another is going through- it’s kind to be sensitive to others and mind our own business. An adult child’s fertility is not the business of anyone but his or her spouse and doctor.
 
Asking an initial question is not prying, in my opinion. It’s about prudence though. So, unless one knows the other is comfortable with it, directly asking about using contraception is probably not prudent. Asking about having children, not so much.
 
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