Possible contraception in family

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The OPs tone certainly seemed more prying true, but I am very close to my other, and if she had ever asked me if I wanted children, I would have happily answered.

If she asked “are you contracepting?” I still wouldn’t have minded, but she wouldn’t ask that.

I agree most folks would probably not respond to the question well, but for some of us, it doesn’t bother me. But I feel the same way if someone asks me how much I make or some other personal question. If I am comfortable in my decisions, I generally feel like “what do I care if you know?”
 
Yes. I dont really understand why it would be offensive for a mother to ask. If she pressed after I conveyed I didn’t want to share, then that’s a different thing.

To me, my parents are in a much closer place to be offended by something like this, than anyone else.

I would love a mother who encourages more children! But, like I said, pressure to contracept is what would offend me.
 
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Dr_Meinheimer said:
I agree most folks would probably not respond to the question well, but for some of us, it doesn’t bother me. But I feel the same way if someone asks me how much I make or some other personal question. If I am comfortable in my decisions, I generally feel like “what do I care if you know?”
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I think it’s fine to feel however one wants about personal questions, but that doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate to go around asking other people personal questions- they may feel differently, for a variety of reasons. It’s always best to not ask a question that might be hurtful, rather than assume someone would not mind. “I wouldn’t care so no one else should either, and I can ask what I want” is not a good way to approach interpersonal relationships in general. I think people should know what constitutes someone else’s private business, and be respectful of that, regardless of how open they might be about their own lives.

Also, there may be a gender component to this. I’d guess my husband probably wouldn’t be upset if his mother asked him, but I would be upset if she asked him. And it’s a question about the couple’s private business, so either way I’d not want him giving her details.
 
It’s not just anyone else. It’s a parent.

And the son can convey that its private.

How is that hurtful?
 
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That’s not prying. Pushing after they convey they dont want to share is prying. Not asking “Do you guys want children? I’m hoping you do!”

Grandmothers are not simply “other people”

My mother helps ALOT with my kids! Picking up from school, helping with homework, changing diapers, buying clothes, spending time, etc.

If I am happy to receive that from her, she is welcome to ask about potential kids. It’s not a “right” but a privilege which I reciprocate to her and my father. Its honoring them as my parents. Not because they demand it, but because I freely give it.
 
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I think the offense comes not from the hope for more grandchildren but from unfounded accusations of using contraception since the couple did not follow the pattern of babies in the first year of marriage.

I mean who wouldn’t take offense at unfounded and unfair accusations?
 
I wouldn’t call it “unfounded” since it’s a question. Especially when 80% of Catholics use contraception, and its 3 years, not one.

However, I’ve already said I agree that directly asking about contraception is probably not prudent, unless you know your son is comfortable talking about that aspect of the faith.
 
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I don’t think anyone would begrudge a mother for hoping for grandchildren. Hoping for grandchildren can be done without feeling a right to judge the reason for one’s children not producing them quickly enough, and certainly can be done without inventing insane scenarios with a wife deviously contracepting behind her husband’s back!
 
Yes, judging is wrong. We dont know what this mother would do if the son said, yes mother we are contracepting.

Maybe we should assume she would be kind and encourage that they practice the Christian faith.

Again, the prudence about asking directly about contraception is relevant to the personal relationship between the mother and son. And since she is asking strangers on the internet, I agree she should refrain.
 
I’ll skip over the parts of this post I find a little bit disturbing, and focus on the last statement, because that’s the crux of the matter. The OP clearly IS demanding it. Even if she helps change a diaper from time to time, she is not entitled to it.
 
Yeah, you skipped over the part where I expressed it’s not an entitlement, but a privilege I give to my mother. And I think it is based on both honoring her and respecting how she helps with her grandchildren.
 
And that’s the point. You may choose to let your mother know your personal business, but your mother would be wrong to demand it of you, as is the OP. In addition, to “honoring her and respecting how she helps”, I suspect your comfort in doing so might also be rooted in an history of mutual respect regarding your life choices and a general feeling that your mother does not frequently jump to the irrational suspicions about your life choices. I could be wrong though. Unfortunately, it is clear that the OPs son and DIL do not have that luxury in their relationship.
 
I’m not sure the OP was attempting to demand it. But perhaps. And that would be wrong.

No, my mother and father have pried and pushed and offended. They have also helped and loved.
 
Cecilia_Dympna said:
But if she does, she needs to prepare herself what she will say / do with the variety of answers she could receive.
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I’m thinking about her response if the answer is “we don’t want children so hubby had a vasectomy.”

Now what?
 
One thing’s for sure. Approaching her son and telling him of her suspicion of the daughter in law using contraception behind the son’s back will put the son in an unenviable position , making him choose between his mother and wife.

Either way it will not bode well for her son’s marriage and for any future grandchildren from them.
 
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I know, right! I don’t even know how I would react if I were a man in that situation. I would want to defend my wife, but he can’t do that without releasing information. If he doesn’t, the OP will assume guilt. THAT’S why the question is entirely inappropriate. It’s not a “question” at all, it’s an accusation and there’s no reasonable way to avoid answering it. And then what is he supposed to say to his wife later on? I would never want to tell my spouse that my mother made such a horrible accusation against them, but then how does explain why he is limiting contact with her? I can’t fathom how anyone could think such a conversations would be even remotely appropriate! And maybe sickest of all, the OP is considering throwing her OTHER CHILD under the bus by putting him up to it! Just completely messed up!
 
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Divine right to ask, or divine right to receive the answer to the question?

I say she has a right to ask, but the son has a right to say it’s a private thing.

Neither should be offended
 
Yes, that isnt an appropriate accusation.

I believe asking if they would like children and the conversation should be done with respect to their privacy and dignity.

Discussions of contraception can be done with respect.
 
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