Possible contraception in family

[JanetF]

What question is disturbing, intrusive and offensive?

“So you’ve been married for a year, when are you going to get busy and have children?” Coming from anyone to a newlywed couple (including their parents) this is highly offensive. It’s none of their business, unless the couple chooses to confide in them!!! I got so sick of this question the first couple of years we were married I started telling people to check with God, and get back to me if he let’s them know, cuz I’d like to know this too!

 

[rcwitness]

Three years…

 

[Psalm30]

Three years…

Please, just stop. You are nitpicking and responding to selective, insignificant points, and it is not helping your argument in the least.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t think it matters how long it’s been. The OP is not happy there’s no pregnancy according to her timescale and is bypassing a lot of simple explanations in order to jump to “my daughter in law is using contraception behind my son’s back”.

That’s the issue. The OP seems only to see her desire of wanting a grandchild. There’s no charity shown towards her DIL in her posts, and no understanding a couple may wish to keep some things private. I don’t believe the OP would accept an answer of “it’s personal”. Especially since she was told this by forum posters and said she would try and get John’s brother to pry instead.

 

[angel12]

That you are puzzled is a little perturbing. Most people get that this is an intrusive, highly personal, and potentially hurtful question.

Especially given the tone of the OP’s first post. No good can come of that attitude.

 

[Dlee]

we have not yet had a grandchild from Lisa

She’s not overweight, and eats well so I am starting to think something sinister is going on.

The idea that Lisa is using the pill pains me. I really can’t imagine my John knows about it, if indeed she is.

This is why Mama Matriarch should say nothing. She seems to think it is all on Lisa. It takes two to tango. They both would have stated they were open to children in their wedding vows, right? So unless OP wants to accuse Lisa of misrepresentation in her wedding vows…

 

[JulianN]

Even worse. The odds are even higher that it’s a painful situation.

At one year, at 10, at 20 … it will never be an appropriate question.

 

[rcwitness]

But even if its painful, why would the question cause harm?

Just say," it’s too personal and we wish it to be private. But yes, we want kids and are not contracepting. Thanks mom!"

 

[JulianN]

I’m not sure why you’re not getting the “none of her business “ part of this. Forgetting everything except simple good manners, it’s rude.

 

[Clementine14]

Ya know, for all you know this son would be fine with answering his mother’s question about their plans to have kids. After all, he promised to be open to life in his marriage.

It doesn’t really matter, if his wife prefers that it be kept private.

It took us awhile to conceive our second. I asked my husband not to discuss it with anyone, including his parents. He may not have cared that she asked, but I did. And since I am his wife, he respected how I felt even if he did not understand it. When you are trying for a baby, and not succeeding, pressure by other people is not helpful and is even hurtful.

He promised to be open to life. That’s all anyone should have to say about it. There’s no need to pry further- anyone who is curious can just assume they both meant their vows and mind their own business.

 

[rcwitness]

I’m not sure why you’re not getting the “none of her business “ part of this. Forgetting everything except simple good manners, it’s rude.

That’s for the son and DIL to decide, not you. They may decide it can be her business.

 

[Elf01]

That’s for the son and DIL to decide, not you. They may decide it can be her business.

If they thought it was her business she likely wouldn’t need to bring it up. They would have already spoken to her.

 

[rcwitness]

Not necessarily.

Maybe he is afraid.

Maybe he needs encouragement.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Then please show in any Catholic Teaching where it is always immoral to ask your married children about their plans to have children?

Ephesians 6 warns us not to provoke our children to anger.

 

[TheLittleLady]

After all, he promised to be open to life in his marriage.

That phrase is so popular, yet, not part of the Rite:

Celebrant:
Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God
and to bring them up
according to the law of Christ and his Church?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I am.

The Questions Before Consent - For Your Marriage

 

[Sarcelle]

Afraid of what?

 

[rcwitness]

Yes! What part of “Do you guys want kids? Are you doing ok? Is there anything I can help with?” Is provoking anger?

There is unjust anger

 

[TheLittleLady]

If anyone other than my spouse or spiritual director asked me about my childbearing, it could provoke me and most people to anger. As said before, this is basic good manners, at least in the US. Perhaps you are from a different culture?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Yes, I’m not a cultural Catholic for sure.

To be clear, there are places in the world where the culture is accepting of a sort of intrusion into their adult children’s personal lives. I hope you were not inferring that if one respects the privacy of the other members of their family they are a “cultural Catholic” meant as a pejorative.

I’m sorry you are so insecure and bottled up you can not even stand your parent asking in a loving manner, even though they would respect your wishes to keep it private!

Sounds like anger issues to be honest.

Again, this comes across as a personal insult. It in no way reveals “anger issues” to have boundaries.

 

[rcwitness]

Yep, asking a son or daughter about their interest for potential children is not invasive.

Pressing after the child conveys they would not like to discuss it would be intrusive. Demanding an answer would be intrusive. But not an initial question.

Yes, anger towards this (in itself) is an unjust anger and an unwarranted judgment about a parent’s sincerity.