Should I marry a non-catholic or be single forever?

[jsjohns3]

I would definitely focus on Catholic ministries, Study Groups, Conferences, etc in your local area. Don’t give up!

 

[DivineMercy01]

A number of people on this board have mentioned “conferences” as a way of meeting other devoted Catholics. While it is true that other single Catholics could be at a conference, I feel it is morally questionable to go to a conference with the intention of meeting suitable partners for the following reasons:

1. It is an abuse of a conference (unless it’s like a single young adult mixer or something)
2. It sets the attendee up for disappointment and ruins the whole thing.

Sorry for being difficult-you can see why I’m having a hard time!

 

[aroosi]

Oh boy, you go to a conference to learn new stuff AND meet like minded new people. Conferences (not just Catholic conferences, also professional or scientific conferences) are a great chance for networking and in fact often, besides presentations and lectures, conference programs include dinners, social hours, recreational activities etc.
Nobody expects you to meet somebody during a conference and decide to get married on the spot but maybe you will find new interesting people. Widen your horizons a bit.

 

[DivineMercy01]

It’s just this moral dilemma I get into. I hear about a conference, think about signing up, then imagine myself at the conference.

Then I imagine who I might meet there, my mind immediately goes to “I could meet a potential partner there” and I think I can’t go because my intentions are impure.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

For what it’s worth, you seem a little rigid. Of course, I don’t know you at all, but that’s how your posts come across, at least to me. Not an insult or anything, just an observation.

Dating, at least in the initial stages, should be light and fun. Easy banter, some laughs, etc. If the vibe you’re bringing is “I need someone who checks all these boxes before I’ll even consider it, and they need to be on board with the script I’ve created in advance, and I can’t do this or that because that will never work…” it just makes you seem like a bit of a downer, not like someone who would be fun to chat with over a beer. I’m sure that’s not how you come across in real life, but maybe ask yourself if you’re bringing the right tone to the whole thing.

Like, this
“Then I imagine who I might meet there, my mind immediately goes to “I could meet a potential partner there” and I think I can’t go because my intentions are impure.”

just makes me think you’re overthinking what is supposed to be fun. You can’t approach social interaction like you’re planning the invasion of Normandy. Just relax. Go to a conference if you’re interested. If you click with a single guy there, great.

I’m also skeptical that you’ve met “all” the Catholic men in your town. Do you live in a really rural area with a tiny catholic population?

 

[DivineMercy01]

For what it’s worth, you seem a little rigid. Of course, I don’t know you at all, but that’s how your posts come across, at least to me. Not an insult or anything, just an observation.

I don’t know you either. All due respect, I simply cannot build a life with someone who doesn’t love the Church and won’t defend her teachings.

All due respect, I simply know what I want my future to look like and what I won’t compromise on. There are things I will compromise on (i.e. moving to a new city/country, my spouse changing careers, changing from New Mass to traditional Latin). However, there are things I will not compromise on (as I’ve stated, physical attraction and loving the Church). I wouldn’t say these are “boxes to check”-I would say they are indicators of a vision for the future I have discerned.

I don’t know you at all, but I have heard a lot of non-Catholics and lukewarm Catholics say to me “what’s the big deal with marrying a non-Catholic.” I can’t confirm or deny that you are one of them, but when someone doesn’t see a future entailing the Lord, of course that person is not going to understand why your life partner must also love the Lord.

I’m also skeptical that you’ve met “all” the Catholic men in your town. Do you live in a really rural area with a tiny catholic population?

I am so glad you asked. While I hear the same complaint from women who live in big cities, I live in a small city: population 71000. Not teen-tiny, but small enough to only have 2 single guys who go to church regularly.

And for the record, when I say all the Catholic guys, I mean the ones who love the church and will defend her teachings (I would know all of them because I would see them at church if this was the case). The lukewarm/fallen away variety? No bueno. Not in my future.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

All due respect, I simply know what I want my future to look like and what I won’t compromise on. There are things I will compromise on (i.e. moving to a new city/country, my spouse changing careers, changing from New Mass to traditional Latin). However, there are things I will not compromise on

I’m not suggesting you jettison your values or date someone with diametrically opposed views. That’s a recipe for disaster. It just seems like you’re approaching something that’s supposed to be light and fun with the wrong spirit. If the standard to have a drink with a guy is he has to demonstrate he’s the right kind of Catholic (ie not “lukewarm” by your standard) well, that just doesn’t sound like a fun first date. No one wants to have a first date consist of intense scrutiny. As a guy, it would just feel like walking into a minefield.

Have a drink with someone you find attractive and seem to click with. Relax and just enjoy the conversation and company. If you start dating, the “big questions” will come up naturally and you’ll be able to discern whether you two are a good fit.

Again, please take this in the spirit it’s intended. I’m sure you’re a lovely person. Just trying to offer some constructive food for thought.

 

[DivineMercy01]

If the standard to have a drink with a guy is he has to demonstrate he’s the right kind of Catholic (ie not “lukewarm” by your standard) well, that just doesn’t sound like a fun first date.

Thank you, I appreciate that you don’t want me to jettison my values.

However, I don’t have time to have a drink with someone I don’t see as a potential mate. I don’t have time to get my hopes up about someone who doesn’t have the same vision for the future as me (and if he is local, I would already know if he loved the church and would defend her teachings because I would see him at Mass frequetnly)

I think you and I have different definitions of dating. You seem to see it as recreation. I see it as discerning marriage. To each their own, but I’m not in a season of life where I need to go on dates for fun. I did that for years.

And, as I stated in my original post, I would be okay with being single forever. My question was whether that would be a morally questionable choice.

 

[aroosi]

However, I don’t have time to have a drink with someone I don’t see as a potential mate. I don’t have time to get my hopes up about someone who doesn’t have the same vision for the future as me (and if he is local, I would already know if he loved the church and would defend her teachings because I would see him at Mass frequetnly)

How do you know that a guy is the right one if you don’t get to know him first? Interaction with people is gradual, takes time and patience. You need to build trust first. You need to listen to the other person.
Do you really think a first date with somebody like sitting down with a guy and discuss with him all your requirements for your future husband? You want in one hour to know what the guy thinks about all major life issues? Sorry, it sounds kind of scary to me. More like a job interview than a date.

 

[DivineMercy01]

How do you know that a guy is the right one if you don’t get to know him first?

I would know he is NOT the right one for me by asking a very simple question: “Do you have a religion or spiritual practice?” Yes I’ve done it to several men who have asked me on dates and saved a lot of time by weeding out the atheists.

To each their own, but I would want to know if he meets bare minimum qualifications before giving him my undivided attention. I have already stated that I could not build a life with someone who doesn’t love the Church and won’t defend her teachings. If he lives in my town, I would know if he loves the Church or not because I would have seen him at Mass.

And look at it this way: I’m saving my own time, and his!

 

[DivineMercy01]

@JimmyTolder Are you referring to this?

I am a single Catholic woman in my twenties (*disclaimer-this is not a request for all single men to send me their phone number.

I didn’t pick up on that at first.

The disclaimer on the OP was to do three things

1. To clarify that I am not one of those women who sits around saying “I am single, woe is me”
2. To clarify that marriage in itself is not my end goal-holiness is
3. To clarify that I was not requesting all single guys to send me their contact info.

I’m sorry if you took it as suggesting that I’m too good for anyone on this site-I don’t think that at all. I simply did not create this forum post to ask all the single guys to send me their number. Sometimes when I introduce myself, I try to avoid saying “I’m single with no kids” because I feel like that could lead people to think I’m asking them to send my # to all the single Catholic men they know.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

However, I don’t have time to have a drink with someone I don’t see as a potential mate. I don’t have time to get my hopes up about someone who doesn’t have the same vision for the future as me (and if he is local, I would already know if he loved the church and would defend her teachings because I would see him at Mass frequetnly)

I think you and I have different definitions of dating. You seem to see it as recreation. I see it as discerning marriage. To each their own, but I’m not in a season of life where I need to go on dates for fun. I did that for years.

And, as I stated in my original post, I would be okay with being single forever. My question was whether that would be a morally questionable choice.

Dating isn’t recreation, but it should be fun. It shouldn’t feel like a job interview, even though it kind of is. If you sit down with a guy and he feels like he’s immediately getting grilled (“do you agree with the Church on contraception? What’s your stance on communion in the hand? When did you last attend confession?” is not a good way to get a conversation flowing) he’s not going to enjoy himself. Even if he agrees with you, it’s just not going to have a fun date vibe.

You’re also making a lot of assumptions about whether someone loves the church/will defend church teaching. Maybe there are guys who just attend a different mass. Maybe they go to mass in a neighboring town for some reason. Maybe they’re just not particularly vocal about theological disputes. Who knows?

All that to say, no, I don’t think there is anything sinful in being single if you just never meet the right person.

 

[DivineMercy01]

You’re also making a lot of assumptions about whether someone loves the church/will defend church teaching.

Missing Sunday Mass is mortal sin. If he loved the Church and would defend her teachings he would attend.

Maybe there are guys who just attend a different mass. Maybe they go to mass in a neighboring town for some reason

Okay. Maybe true. However, I have been to all the masses at my parish before and I don’t see anyone other than the couple of men I know from the parish.

Dating isn’t recreation, but it should be fun. It shouldn’t feel like a job interview, even though it kind of is. If you sit down with a guy and he feels like he’s immediately getting grilled (“do you agree with the Church on contraception? What’s your stance on communion in the hand? When did you last attend confession?” is not a good way to get a conversation flowing) he’s not going to enjoy himself. Even if he agrees with you, it’s just not going to have a fun date vibe.

I think dating can be fun if you already know he meets minimum qualifications for your future. If you already know he does not, why waste your time?

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Missing Sunday Mass is mortal sin. If he loved the Church and would defend her teachings he would attend.

I never suggested otherwise. I’m saying he might fulfill his obligation in some way such that you don’t cross paths with him. Even if you live in a smallish town, there have to be other parishes that aren’t too far away.

Anyway, if you truly met all the single Catholic men in your town and don’t click with any of them, I think your only options are 1) change your standards 2) widen the geographic area, perhaps by online dating (this is the one I’d suggest, fwiw) and 3) just hope some new single Catholic guys move to your area. That’s really about it as far as I can tell. Good luck.

 

[DivineMercy01]

Fair enough.

1. Will not happen. I’m far too stubborn
2. Okay, I’m trying to discern when would be the right time for me to try the online thing again. btw, you didn’t include a link in your last post
3. Sure. I can do that!

Thank you

 

[TheLittleLady]

I think I can’t go because my intentions are impure.

Wanting to meet people or a person is not impure.

It makes sense that others pick up the rigidity. Just go and have a good time. Talk to like minded people.

 

[DivineMercy01]

I didn’t intend for it to be arrogant. I think you are assuming I imply that I am too good for all the men on this site. When I was simply implying my intention was not to sit around saying “single men send me your number”

 

[DivineMercy01]

All due respect, it’s happened to every single Catholic female I know. If you’re single, Catholic, female, and have a pulse, single Catholic men treat you as a potential mate. Have you never been to a Catholic Young Adult Event? I know people who joke that they are a ruse for hooking up.

I was simply putting a disclaimer out there that the purpose of my post was not to put myself on the market. I was asking if it was morally questionable to stay single until God was to show me where he is hiding all the marriage-material men.

 

[TC3033]

I can’t confirm or deny that you are one of them, but when someone doesn’t see a future entailing the Lord, of course that person is not going to understand why your life partner must also love the Lord.

OK…time out. I hope you’re not saying that non-Catholics don’t have futures or lifestyles that entail the Lord and loving Him. Unless this is out of context…again…and are going to backtrack…again this isn’t a good look.

I live in a small city: population 71000.

We definitely have a different definition of small city.

@RolandThompsonGunner has had some very good points and has articulated them far better than I

 

[DivineMercy01]

OK…time out. I hope you’re not saying that non-Catholics don’t have futures or lifestyles that entail the Lord and loving Him. Unless this is out of context…again…and are going to backtrack…again this isn’t a good look.

This might be going down a rabbit hole, but what else am I going to do? I don’t think a Catholic and a non-Catholic have the same definition of knowing the Lord and loving Him. One entails receiving the sacraments and the other one doesn’t because that person cannot receive the sacraments. But we can agree to disagree on that.

We definitely have a different definition of small city.

What’s your definition of a small city?