Belle, my DH will not go to AA. He does not like the 12 step approach, and does not like the concept of surrendering to a higher power. Essentially he says it is something
he needs to do and not blame God, or expect God to “cure”, that he choses to drink and he has to chose not to drink. He’s not completely opposed to help from an organization. He looked at
SMART Recovery and
Rational Recovery and signed up and participated for a couple of months at SMART. I would get absolutely nowhere pushing him in the direction of AA. I just know him that well. I have brought up him getting back involved with SMART, and it is something I will bring up at another conversation with him. Part of his problem is he is still in denial that he actually has a problem with alcohol. Doesn’t believe he is an alcoholic.
Honestly, as I said in a previous post, I wasn’t comfortable with the Al Anon side of AA. I guess it seemed to much like a big fat pity party where everyone was just wallowing in an attitude of "woe is me ", and “my loved one is a big fat jerk”. I know it’s good to vent, but that’s all anyone was doing was complaining. But that’s just me and perhaps its just the chapter here. Our town is small so there isn’t a lot of people involved in the Al Anon program. There are three different meetings and from what I could tell, all are populated by the same folks. So it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Having said that, I can’t speak for the AA groups. There may very well be some very affective help available from them for the addict.
Thank you all for your prayers and I continue to pray for you as well.:grouphug: [sign]God Bless you all![/sign]
I live in a very small town, all to many of the same group and set of principals. Very few of which i support or believe in. They are primarily Uropean farmers families. They are slave drivers, and family comes last. The busines, the business, the business is all the adults see.
All to many of the WIVES of these children forced to not be heard, attend school sick, and get your butt back out in the field has done such dammage to them as people. We, the wives are all devistated, and have compared notes. All woooed them with the right answers, the right look in life, were great people for compassion and negotiation, and then BOOM. We married them and ALL of them said, oh, that was just to get married, now we are, and this is the way it should be. But this was after slow silence took over, and a parting of ways that left all of us women feeling so alone.
Here we are, dragged into this mess because of absolute horrific parenting from the wartime starvation mode. All the grandparents can do is complain over the mothering, and not getting with the programe. We are left with absoltely zero support from the partner, or the partners family…but they well interfere in everything that should be between the man and woman only.
Let me tell you this, i do not believe in astrology, or any forms of soothsayers…but i do recognise the patterns of behaviour in personalities given like Aries, scorpion etc. I have red these primarily to be honest with myself over my own faults, and to study a bit of how i can reverse some poor qualities and use them for God.
My worst was my temper, and retaliation levels for revenge due to being hurt. I am a Scorpion…and i try daily with my temper not to own me.I learned the art of negotiation and so on…But my husband is an Aries. A hard headed Ram…he is so stubborn, he can not see his own pain. He has made a lifestyle of not agreeing on athority, not succuming to it, and being his own boss so he did not have to take orders.
So i have an unmedicated parinoid husband who hears voices and will not allow us to walk or ride on cirtain roads cause they are out to get him…that drinks making it work, and has questioned any motive i have ever had to help with family, drinking, or even a day outing. He seriously hides from life with beer. Did i mention he is Dutch, and i think his father is related to the Gastopo…a mess, a complete mess his father made of his life.
Never was he held, allowed to cry, have an oppinion, or anything.
Out in the fields with fever and chickenpox, flue and so on. he never missed a day of school, his mother wore an apron, served and cut up their food, seldon sat with them, and was a complete maid and servant to them.
Hence the problem, he wants a servant like his mother to come running when he screams the remote is too far from his hand. He wants the supper to show up, no thanks, nothing and can not muster anything more than rolling his eyes saying it was ALL RIGHT.
As far as his work ethics, they are supurb…he is so hard on himself…it is all he knows for self worth. He sucks as a father and husband sooooo bad, i do not know why i stay…but that is another book.
No one, no cop, no mayer, nobody, especially a wife or AA personel will tell him what to do…it is completely beneath him. No one is gonna tell him he can or should not tell him he can have a beer. So alanon was an option for me, and i called everyone for 6 months, hospitals, group homes, links, chapters, and so on…i had so many people send me the same thing.
A package convinceing me i had an alcoholic for a partner, but no one…no one could tell me where a meeting was that was not in TORONTO…as i am 1.5 hours away from there, and in the niagara area. After six months i gave up and turned to god, here and so on…Alanon sucks in locating them…but i could fill a grocery bag with pamplets, flyers, questionares, and so on.
This man has reduced his drinking based on my refusal to allow him into MY families home drinking. He did not have the right to abuse us, or make us witness this behaviour.
Then last year he just never came home much…and this became an issue. We are now faceing us being together as a family because of the rules…he knows them, he can choose to participate or not…Marriage or not…his choice!
So now we have him struggaling with me taking any role of superiority at all. But as i put it…i am the keeper of this business called family. This is our DEN so to speak. You want membership, you follow the rules. He is strugaling, as he respects the business side of it…but a WOMAN making the rules is killing him.
And the scorpion wants to tell the freakin hobbit to go back into the woods and suck on roots for the winter…but sees Gods finger wagging at her!!!
You see, i do not think the behaviour as a messed up Dutch farmer of the uropean decent is very bad to deal with compared to the additional psycotic and delusional behaviour added to this.
When he negotiates, he does it well, then guilt hits him and he retracts it…wondering if doubling up my anti’s and sharing them with him might get rid of at least half of my issues!
Now hows that for a ramble…
Lana
Encourage him to go to AA meetings daily if necessary – it is one of the few things that keep people on track. I’ve seen (in my family) an alcoholic quit, then start again, then quit again, then start again, over and over. I’m not trying to discourage you, just to share some reality from my experiences. He needs to get to meetings, otherwise the temptation will be too much. AA somehow has a way of holding people accountable in a way spouses and family cannot. 
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