Bless God for letting me come here tonight.
I have been in such a spiritual mess all this week, with absolutely no one to turn to about my marriage – tried posting at another forum and my thread never got moderated – and then here I am, just browsing in a place I haven’t been to in months. I come across this thread and see how Jesus has answered my prayer of lonliness.
I am in my 30s, have 4 children, have been a Catholic all my life. I’ve been married for almost 13 years. My husband was baptized Catholic. I fell in love with a born again, but I was young…we married in the Church under the agreement that our children would be raised Catholic.
It turned out that when he married me, he had the intention of converting me, so we were at odds since day 1. I had no answers for him when he would ask me why I was Catholic…I would simply say, “Because I know it’s the One True Faith.” Then I’d scoop up my kids and head off to Mass alone.
He converted some years later when I gave him a pamplet by Paul Whitcomb called “The Bible Made a Catholic Out of Me.” He read it, then understood…but the full conversion occurred gradually over the next year…and then he was just confirmed about 1-2 years ago.
My husband is a good man. I am a blessed woman. We agree on many, many things. Don’t practice contraception, are open to life.
My problem is that I am more disciplined than he is – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spritually. I can suppress my “needs” to take care of my children, my family, etc. But our problem stems from his not wanting to self-disclipline himself when it comes to his “needs.”
I was never too clear about what was moral and immoral in the bedroom. A priest or two have said that whatever works is good. This may include pornographic thoughts to bring pleasure, and all other sorts of … varieties in the bedroom. We pretty much went with it, but regardless of all this, our love life had been humdrum and routine.
About 2 months ago, I got my first period after having my last child over a year go. I’ve been nursing, so my menstrual cycles had been suppressed. Well, it must be the hormones, or something, but my husband went nuts. He’d come home and grope and grab w/o concern for the children that the door was open, they could be listening, etc. Everyday. And he was vulgar. To my ears. In his desires. Wanting me to be a skank, when that’s not me at all. I can be a woman, but not a whore.
I suffered & put up with this, letting him know I wasn’t comfortable with all this. It was, like, there wasn’t purity in what we were doing. Perversion had entered the bedroom. He ignored me.
After a month, he apologized and understood that there needed to be a balance in our love…and I thought all that was over and done with…until it started up again this month.
Now, I’ve pretty much put my foot down because, in the past, I’ve had to induce thoughts in my mind to let him believe he pleased me (to please his ego)…just so we could finish. I don’t want those impure thoughts in my mind anymore…it’s offensive to God, I don’t believe that it’s okay to think of pornographically simply because you’re in the act with your husband, it’s impure…I don’t believe in things when it doesn’t cummulate in intercourse.
So, I’m being shunned right now, and I’ve been lonely.
Other caveats: he’s overweight, having a hard time at work, trying to finish his degree, has a nasty temper, isn’t disciplined about taking care of himself or his home or his children, curses frequently…which can explain why he just wants to mess around all the time…to feel fulfilled in some aspect of his life.
But, don’t get me wrong…all these things that seem like complaints, they’re logical thoughts. Trying to reason why he’s behaving like this. I know this man, we go to Mass every Sunday, I love him dearly, take him for all that he is (as I have done my part in hurting Christ) – we’ve been working on our faults, but this impurity in the marriage. It’s a big problem for my soul.
It’s like Jesus is telling me one thing, and the devil is telling my husband another and we’re fighting over this. He twists everything I say about purity, waiting for the right time (when the kids are asleep).
I just needed to get this out. I would like advice & I’ve found some literature that pretty much confirms all that I’ve felt in my soul. Very orthodox teachings from the Church. If anyone wants to PM me with suggestions, I’d appreciate it, as I’m also conflicted about being the good, submissive wife and being the one who will help my husband get to heaven.
I just want to say I’m so glad I found this thread…and that I had not thought about St. Monica.
Curiously, my husband loves St. Augustine and all the Fathers of the Church. We named my last child after Athanasius.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Bea
P.S. I haven’t read all the thread…I will do so and respond in time. Please feel free to email me.
Talk about a bad week!! shees!!