Thanks all. I have a lot to digest. It is all very confusing to me. I know my husband has made significant changes, but I know him, and know that he is impatient with me. He doesn’t say anything, or at least hasn’t in some time. But just the fact that he is internally impatient with me tells me that he does not know how to love. If he did he would understand my fear and reluctance to trust him and give me all the time and space I need.
Not true. Frankly, I think a saint would be impatient with you at this point. Being impatient does not mean he doesn’t know how to love, but I don’t see him as the impatient spouse in your relationship. You seem to have no patience or care for him at this point. All you seem to really care about is getting your “space”, even if it destroys what family/marriage you have left.
I have come to understand that situations like ours are the result of the failure of the man, as he is the one who must give himself completely to the protection of the wife and children. Garry Smalley put it plainly in his book. He said something to the effect of “if after 5 years of marriage there are problems in the relationship, it is the man’s fault”. My husband just does not have the humility to accept that , nor does he seem to want to be held accountable for the failure of our marriage.
Smalley is a quack then. That kind of mentality is just plain rubbish. Given your own words, your dh has an amazing capacity for humility given that you have humiliated him and taught the children of this marriage to do the same for years. There are 2 people in your marriage. He has made great strides in his efforts to make you happy. But YOU are not doing anything for anyone at this point. You are the one who has become over-bearing, verbally abusive, and controling and are impossible to make happy.
The older girls in the family who are so angry with him have taken to calling him by the name of “snothead” (they don’t say that around him, they leave!). They have called him much worse, but that seems to be what they have settled on.
When he heard of this, of course he was not happy, and felt that I should forbid them from calling him that. PERIOD!
Of course, I feel sorry for my husband that they would do this, but he is the adult and his feelings should come second. I think the children have to come first. I want them to be free to express their feelings. If I insist that they call him something more respectful, it won’t change how they feel (at best) and at worst, they might stop sharing their feelings around me.
That is not controling them at all! And it makes me question just how over-bearing he really ever was if you think that is a control issue. That was rightly expecting to get respect from the children of the house and expecting a decent wife would back him up on not allowing children of any age to speak in such a manner.
My children are perfectly capable of saying, " I don’t like this or that because…" without name calling or rudeness and they are all under 11 years old! Speech like that gets a mouth washed out with soap in this house.
Children do not come first in a marriage. The marriage comes first always. To do otherwise is actually a harm to those children and the marriage. Even if I was divorced I wouldn’t tolorate my children speaking that way about anyone and certainly not their father.
You say your dh was verbally abusive, yet you tolorate such verbal hatefullness in your children - endorse it even?!
I have a feeling if he allowed them to speak to you this way, you’d have a different attitude.
ALL families need the sacraments.
), such loving firmess will make them happier, I promise! If he really is committed to being a good father (and it sounds like he is), they really can learn to feel at peace in his presence, and they will look to you as their example in this. It’s amazing how naturally children take their emotional ques from their mothers! “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” 