Terrible First 3 months of Marriage

[kev7]

SeminoleGirl22:

Hi all, I am new here, and discovered your forums on the web.

I was married 3 months ago, and out of the 90 days or so since then, my husband and i have fought almost constantly. i have been seeing a therapist for about a month, but i wont be able to continue to visit because i cant afford it much more.

i was and am a very devoted catholic, and never had sex nor even spent the night with my husband before we were married. he always seemed OK with it, and was living in beautiful house all ready and furnished for when we were married.

i recently discovered pornography in a DVD case in the basement and confronted him about it, and he admitted to watching it and to “self gratification” while we were dating and engaged to “relieve sexual tension”. He used his own home [now ours] as a sexual getaway simply because i was waiting to have sex with him.

i asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.

i asked him to leave for maybe a day or two because of the fighting, but he refused and said i couldnt make him leave his own house. he did leave for a few hours after a bad fight, and i deadbolted the door from the inside so he couldnt get in. however, he just kicked the door in and told me “no one” locks him out of his own house.

i am afraid i confused his willingness to be chaste with me, with having his own house where he could do whatever he wanted out of sight and knowledge of me because i never stayed there.

i cant get him to leave, even for a small while. i have absolutely no idea what to do. he just does as he pleases with no regard for me. he was never like this while we were engaged.

Jesus would not of deadbolted the door!

Ask youself how jesus would react to this.

Your love needs to be unconditional.

That is his sin and not yours!

I’m sure that YOU have sins of your own that your husband does not judge you on.

Love is the answer here.

Pray to god for an understanding heart. Ask the lord to forgive your husband. Ask him to help him. Pray for your husband and pray for yourself so that you will learn to love unconditionally.

 

[deb1]

One of the hardest lessons that a newly wed couple can learn is how to argue. The point of the arguement is not to win but to settle the problem. This can be very difficult to learn. My own marriage almost fell apart the first two years.

As far as locking him out of the house…correct me if I am wrong Sg, but you didn’t feel threatened or afraid of your physical well being, did you? If not then you should apologize for locking him out. In this regard you were wrong. One day, you’ll probably both laugh at your mutal overreaction. As far as sleeping alone because you were upset. It sounds as if there is a bed in the basement. If you needed some time alone, you could have asked your hubby to sleep there. It sounds like what happened anyway. I don’t agree that knocking the door down is an indication of future violence. During the first year of our marriage, my hubby put a hole in our wall. He has never acted this way since and is a very kind, gentle soul.

Addiction to porn is a serious problem and you should confront him. I would pray first though. Don’t talk with him until you feel that you can remain calm-even if it takes you a few days to feel the strength to be calm. Pray to God for the words and that God will work on his heart. It is amazing the miracles that can be worked on our hearts simply through pray. Also, don’t beat yourself over the head over his problem. His addiction to porn-if he is addicted-isn’t caused by you.

You might also want to talk with him about your tears. Some men mistakenly see a woman’s tears as an indication that she is manipulating him. Point out to him, that crying is not something that you can help and that you are not using tears as an unfair advantage. I have had this problem myself.

Of course, if he is at all abusive then my advice to you changes drastically. From the little bit that I have read it sounds like this is a workable problem.

 

[Ella]

After reading all of these posts, the one thing that keeps coming in my mind is, “Don’t go to the Internet for advice on matters like this. Get into some counseling, with your husband if he’ll go, with a good marriage counselor, AND with a good priest.”

I wouldn’t leave him just from reading advice from this thread; I wouldn’t try to ‘love him and wait for him to outgrow the porn’; I wouldn’t do* anything *except go for counseling like I’ve stated above.

Vern is right that we can’t judge this guy based on two paragraphs; neither, however, can Vern assess whether it’s safe or prudent for SG to behave in the manner he quoted from St. Augustine. You see, while we cannot judge this man’s culpability via what SG has posted we also cannot assume his innocence, which I think Vern keeps doing…

 

[Mom_of_one]

I have been waiting to reply and thinking on this for a few days now because it is a touchy subject. Everyone here has excellent points. Many of us are speaking from life experience, but what we need to remember is that just because a situation presented in 2 postings seems similar to what we have gone through/dealt with, doesn’t mean that it is the same. Sometimes, an issue can strike a chord in us and we REACT, rather than assess and realize what is going on----kinda like a flashback.

Vern has made some excellent points. The OP may want to reassess her tactics—in other words, think and act, rather than react. Reacting is not always bad, but when it is a serious problem such as this, getting too emotional is not good. And yes, often times, we have to change in order for the other person to change. But that does not always work either. This is not about manipulating him by changing, this is about being the best person that you can be, and usually other people respond to that. If he doesn’t, however, it is not her fault, but his.

The OP, as the other posters have said, may have grounds for an annulment. Maybe not. Maybe he is addicted to porn, maybe not. Maybe he has the potential to abuse, maybe not. We don’t know. While I’m not sure that all are judging him, most are judging actions where we don’t know the whole story.

OP, you have alot of good advice to sift through, but the ONLY one who can let you know what to do is God. Pray, pray and pray some more. And then do what you believe God is telling you. Only God knows what will help him and what will help you. Only God knows the innermost workings of the heart. I speak from experience on this.

 

[BibleReader]

Hi, SeminoleGirl22.

What you describe is a terrible mess half-engineered by yourself, by persistant *non-*communication before marriage.

You may be more like him than *you * think. Like may have married like.

No matter what, what you describe is a giant, stiff, unchangeable, neurotic mess – and I’m not necessarily talking about just him – that will probably take years to untangle.

My read, with the little bit you reveal, is that he devoutly believes in what I jokingly refer to as “The Exploding Testicle Syndrome” – the genital will explode if the semen doesn’t have a regular sexual outlet. (So, he’s probably not going to be interested in NFP in your marriage – just contraception.) In truth, God envisions rational control of the sexual aspect even in marriage (by simply not looking – it’s easy).

The problem with regular masturbators is that they tend to be sexually spoiled – papa gets angry if papa doesn’t get what papa wants. The longer your husband has been doing it, the more bad sexual thinking has been reinforced by regular shots of sexual pleasure.

But the only reason why I’m talking about him so much is because what you reveal is about him. You don’t really tell us much about you.

You may view yourself as “Catholic,” but have you really internalized your Faith, allowing it to color all aspects of your thinking? I doubt it. You seem to have communicated lousily, for years! You tried to lock him out of the house. You react so strongly, internally, to these setbacks that you are in counseling.

I’m not trying to lay that “it-takes-two-to-tango” business on you, to sound diplomatic, but the little bit you reveal (and the mountains you don’t reveal) suggests to me that you were too immature to marry, and since you are the only one who can control you, fixing you is what you should be focusing on.

Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray – with humility, humility, humility, humility – for the personal insight that may be lacking in you.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Katie1723:

Say WHAT??
~ Kathy ~

Say, “I’m a Catholic. I took vows and I’m going to live up to them.”

As the OP herself says, what she’s doing now isn’t working. It’s time to change her tack.

 

[Timidandunsure]

I think the first year of marrage is the hardest, we all have these fantasies on how perfect marrage is, how wonderfully balanced and pure and right at all times and how our spouces will be without serious flaw. That you waited until you were married is wonderful and I am impressed, I get the feeling your very upset he did not though he said he did, and instead cheated. I wonder if he see’s what he was doing, that way.

But if you want to make it, your going to need allot of prayer, allot of understanding, and allot of patience. His Porn and actions is a problem, and you may be up against a habbit he has had for many years, so its going to be a fight for him, and he sure could us a loving wife in his corner, though he doesn’t know it yet.

If you only condem, then he will feel condemed and act in kind.

This is a test, your first. As married couples we are always tested, and challenged. It part of the process of thinking and acting as one. It isn’t going to stop here, your going to do things he finds outrageous, and if you don’t think thats possible, wait and see, opinion and perception is an odd thing and very few are without some flaw.

You have lost trust in him, I can see that… I am sorry that had to happen, I bet that hurt.

But odd thing about trust, When you remove it, its like a double sided sword. If you say I don’t trust you anymore, his first thought is going to be, Then I am not going to trust you either. Does he have a right not to trust you, maybe not, but you can bet he will hold back on the things most personal, knowing he will become condemed.

My prayers are with you both, I hope God helps you both to grow past this.

An example…

Just before me and my wife was married, I used to smoke a bit of pot back and again with friends. When we got married my wife found out about this, she told me this was going to stop, she wasn’t going to have a pothead for a husband. She said it kindly and with a smile, but I knew she was serious. She told me I was a wonderful person and I didn’t need to harm myself so. I knew it bothered her something fierce, yet she didn’t condem me or make me feel bad about myself, just that I needed to change because she disproved of the habbit.

So here we are, 12 years latter and I never did touch pot again. I saw how much it hurt her and I stopped. Now if she had stormed up to me and threw her fingers in my face demanding I stop smoking pot with my friends right this second, I would have been hurt and defensive. If she tried to kick me out of our home because of this, it would have made me serously challenge if I wanted to stay with a woman who could condem so quickly. Not that you can go back on your vows, but you can wonder.

But no, she showed me respect and kindness and a hand to help me get past it. Now we live very happily, and I thank God daily for putting me together with such a wonderful person. I don’t know where I would be if she hadn’t been by my side.

Compassion and understanding is a marvouls thing…This is the best advice I can give for you for a long happy marrage. Above all else find compassion, Find and understand the faults, then work from there.

May God bless you both…

 

[dulcissima]

Timidandunsure, good post. Just curious though, when your wife asked you to give up the pot, what was your initial attitude? It doesn’t sound like it was “I did what I wanted before we got married, and I’ll do what I want now.” I think that is the big difference here.

 

[vern_humphrey]

dulcissima:

Timidandunsure, good post. Just curious though, when your wife asked you to give up the pot, what was your initial attitude? It doesn’t sound like it was “I did what I wanted before we got married, and I’ll do what I want now.” I think that is the big difference here.

As I read his post, his wife was loving, not confrontational.

She told me I was a wonderful person and I didn’t need to harm myself so. I knew it bothered her something fierce, yet she didn’t condem me or make me feel bad about myself, just that I needed to change because she disproved of the habbit.

No crying, no door slamming, locking people out, kicking doors down.

Now, she started out right. When you start out wrong, you have to play catch-up. It will be a while before the relationship that was damaged by confrontation is healed enough to take the next step.

 

[Della]

SeminoleGirl22, get your stuff together, empty out your bank account and leave “his” house. He doesn’t love you–he wants to control you. Get a good lawyer and apply for an annulment tomorrow. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has no love and no respect for you. He deceived you and badly. You are not obliged to stay with him and, God help you, you don’t want to have his children only to see any son of yours turn out like this jerk with your daughters thinking they only exist to please the baser instincts of men.

 

[Marie]

hmmm! Hard to tell what will help. I do remember finding Playboy and a porn film in my dh’s possesion a kazillion years ago. He has a strong personality also. I have a strong personality and loath porn.

My solution was that I did not say a word to him about it. I ripped it to shreads, remained nice as can be and served it on his dinner plate that night. He got the message. I don’t back down on issuse of moral rights in our marriage. But I don’t argue either. I just make my point so it sticks.

btw…I did serve it with bread and honey sandwiches.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Della:

SeminoleGirl22, get your stuff together, empty out your bank account and leave “his” house. He doesn’t love you–he wants to control you. Get a good lawyer and apply for an annulment tomorrow. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has no love and no respect for you. He deceived you and badly. You are not obliged to stay with him and, God help you, you don’t want to have his children only to see any son of yours turn out like this jerk with your daughters thinking they only exist to please the baser instincts of men.

I had a great aunt who made a pig’s breakfast of her marriage, then went to work on her sisters’ marriages.

We called them “the Black Aunts” – three old ladies always dressed in black, living a shrunken, miserable life together.

People who marry take vows – vows that recognize the fact that there will be many problems and hardships to come. Those problems and hardships are to be overcome, not run away from.

I recommend love and prayer.

 

[dulcissima]

Vern,

The problem is that she didn’t start out locking him out of the house, first she simply asked him to get rid of the porn.:

"i asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.

i asked him to leave for maybe a day or two because of the fighting, but he refused and said i couldnt make him leave his own house. he did leave for a few hours after a bad fight, and i deadbolted the door from the inside so he couldnt get in. however, he just kicked the door in and told me “no one” locks him out of his own house."

Sounds like the confrontational attitude started with him.

What you keep on insisting will work, probably won’t work. By nature I am a pretty compliant, easy going, patient kind of a person. I never demand that I am right. I never ask for him to apologize. Sometimes I do try to express my differing opinion, and usually regret it. That just means I get bulldozed and have to apologize for being a bi*%h. That’s no kind of marriage.

 

[Marie]

Perhaps we need to know who has been married for what period of time with all the various responses here. Vern and I have got over 80 years between us…so let’s not be dismissing the fact we have climbed a lot of mountains in those years. Marriage is work folks…if you thought it was all roses you are living in lala land.

Three months is hardly time enough to know what it will become. The first 7 years are rough, the rest isn’t always a picnic either. It’s work on both sides. We are only getting one side of the story here. I’ll grant you the man’s got a problem…but whinning and temper tantrums are not the solution. Checking out at the first sign of a problem is not either.

 

[vern_humphrey]

dulcissima:

Vern,

The problem is that she didn’t start out locking him out of the house, first she simply asked him to get rid of the porn.:

"i asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.

Which leaves some questions – how LOUDLY did she ask him? And in what emotional state?

dulcissima:

i asked him to leave for maybe a day or two because of the fighting, but he refused and said i couldnt make him leave his own house. he did leave for a few hours after a bad fight, and i deadbolted the door from the inside so he couldnt get in. however, he just kicked the door in and told me “no one” locks him out of his own house."

By her own words, he did not fight her – he was coldly logical.

dulcissima:

Sounds like the confrontational attitude started with him.

What was it he confronted her with? And when?

She found something she didn’t like – in this case, porn, and confronted him. I have a sneaking suspicion that if she hadn’t found that, it would have been something else.

dulcissima:

What you keep on insisting will work, probably won’t work.

And you therefore advise her to abandon her solemn vows? And based on two posts on the internet?

dulcissima:

By nature I am a pretty compliant, easy going, patient kind of a person. I never demand that I am right. I never ask for him to apologize. Sometimes I do try to express my differing opinion, and usually regret it. That just means I get bulldozed and have to apologize for being a bi*%h. That’s no kind of marriage.

Pardon me for saying this, but it seems like you’re projecting your marriage on hers.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Marie:

Perhaps we need to know who has been married for what period of time with all the various responses here. Vern and I have got over 80 years between us…so let’s not be dismissing the fact we have climbed a lot of mountains in those years. Marriage is work folks…if you thought it was all roses you are living in lala land.

Three months is hardly time enough to know what it will become. The first 7 years are rough, the rest isn’t always a picnic either. It’s work on both sides. We are only getting one side of the story here. I’ll grant you the man’s got a problem…but whinning and temper tantrums are not the solution. Checking out at the first sign of a problem is not either.

Years ago when you couldn’t buy computer programs, and had to write your own, or type them in from “listings” in computer magazines, I had a “chess” game. It was very simple, with a 3X3 or 4X4 board (I don’t remember right now) and only pawns. If you got your pawn to the other guy’s (the computer’s) starting line, you won.

At first, it was easy to win. But the more you played, the harder and harder it got.

It worked like this – at start-up, the computer generated a table of all possible board situations and moves. When it was the computer’s turn, it simply ran down the table and picked the first one that fit.

But if the computer LOST, it went back and wiped that move out.

That’s what my wife and I did – we wiped out the losing move. Took divorce off the table. That forced us to solve our problems, because we couldn’t run away from them.

 

[Della]

vern humphrey:

I had a great aunt who made a pig’s breakfast of her marriage, then went to work on her sisters’ marriages.

We called them “the Black Aunts” – three old ladies always dressed in black, living a shrunken, miserable life together.

People who marry take vows – vows that recognize the fact that there will be many problems and hardships to come. Those problems and hardships are to be overcome, not run away from.

I recommend love and prayer.

Being a man you wouldn’t understand what it is for a woman to suddenly discover that the man she thought she married doesn’t exist. This man isn’t just being stubborn, he’s being abusive. I don’t think you understand anything here, anymore than you understand your aunts, their lives, and what they were going through in their marriages that made them have to leave. As a man you should be concentrating on what your attitude is towards women and how good a husband you are/would be.

I too cried the first year of my marriage but it wasn’t because of my husband, but because I had been used to living on my own and had to adjust to living with another person and taking his interests into account. And we’ve had some bad times in our 22 years of marriage but not once did my husband tell me that he owned the house, thus making me a mere boarder in my own home. Nor did he dismiss my feelings as if they meant nothing and plowed ahead with doing what he wanted no matter if it hurt me or not. He’s always listened to my point of view with not just an open mind but with an open heart. Something Seminole’s husband clearly will not or cannot seem to do.

 

[Marie]

vern humphrey:

Years ago when you couldn’t buy computer programs, and had to write your own, or type them in from “listings” in computer magazines, I had a “chess” game. It was very simple, with a 3X3 or 4X4 board (I don’t remember right now) and only pawns. If you got your pawn to the other guy’s (the computer’s) starting line, you won.

At first, it was easy to win. But the more you played, the harder and harder it got.

It worked like this – at start-up, the computer generated a table of all possible board situations and moves. When it was the computer’s turn, it simply ran down the table and picked the first one that fit.

But if the computer LOST, it went back and wiped that move out.

That’s what my wife and I did – we wiped out the losing move. Took divorce off the table. That forced us to solve our problems, because we couldn’t run away from them.

I used a simplier approach. The one and only time he mentioned the “D” word in a snit…I looked him dead in the eye and said: “I take it your planning on dying soon.” Divorce isn’t an option…all you have to do is croak and let me get on with life."

To which he was shocked and asked me…“What? You mean murder is ok…but divorce is not.” I deadpanned…Yep! I think thats the way it goes…as I am not planning on dying…I thought you were."

It’s our favorite comeback when we get in a snit now…we have had a lot of snit’s in the last 41 years.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Della:

Being a man you wouldn’t understand what it is for a woman to suddenly discover that the man she thought she married doesn’t exist.

Being a woman you wouldn’t understand what it is for a man to suddenly discover that the woman he thought he married doesn’t exist.

No marriage is perfect – as long as we have to marry our fellow humans. Marriage is not about enjoying bliss with the perfect husband or wife. Marriage is all about two imperfect people creating a happy life together.

Della:

This man isn’t just being stubborn, he’s being abusive.

Screaming, crying, and emotional storms are just as abusive – not to mention locking people out of the house.

Della:

I don’t think you understand anything here, anymore than you understand your aunts, their lives, and what they were going through in their marriages that made them have to leave.

Actually, I do – I knew them well, and knew the rest of my family, too. You will find that people who have direct knowledge of situations like this are – believe it or not – better able to understand them than people who don’t know the people involved.

Experience trumps imagination in situations like this.

Della:

As a man you should be concentrating on what your attitude is towards women and how good a husband you are/would be.

As a woman you should be concentrating on what your attitude is towards men and how good a wife you are/would be

Della:

I too cried the first year of my marriage but it wasn’t because of my husband, but because I had been used to living on my own and had to adjust to living with another person and taking his interests into account. And we’ve had some bad times in our 22 years of marriage but not once did my husband tell me that he owned the house, thus making me a mere boarder in my own home.

I’ll bet he didn’t try to lock you out, either.

Della:

Nor did he dismiss my feelings as if they meant nothing and plowed ahead with doing what he wanted no matter if it hurt me or not. He’s always listened to my point of view with not just an open mind but with an open heart. Something Seminole’s husband clearly will not or cannot seem to do.

When one starts out wrong, one has to play catch up. What we have here is a pattern of fighting and emotional scenes. The first step is to break up that pattern.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Vern,

would it be at all possible to hear what your wife thinks of the OP’s situation?

Malia