Why Am I Single? Where to Find Catholic Men?

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Yes, I have low self-confidence but it’s reality or facts - not opinion. I was born ugly.

Yeah I have never gotten any complement of that level. Of course, what do you think it does to my self-esteem? Looks are the first thing we see and since I haven’t gotten any of that, I have concluded it must be that I’m ugly. No - my father says “you’re not ugly” when I tell him that I’m ugly.

I haven’t had anyone tell me directly that I’m ugly but I’ve gotten other comments about my face. I’m Asian so my eyes are small and I’ve gotten things like “you can’t see what we can see” or that my nose is flat or comments about my mole on my face. I’ve even been told that I look like a man and someone asked me if I was a man. I don’t pay attention to those that much but I care about the fact that I haven’t received a complement of some sort saying I look good in some way.

I agree with everything that you said but the first thing we see is looks. How is someone supposed to approach me when I don’t look good? It’s the first thing that captures our attention. How is someone supposed to know my character and what I have to offer if I’m not appealing to them at first sight?

I have been thinking about online but I’m serious when I say this - I don’t photograph well.

Thank you for your reply!
 
bostonsportsforever said:
I live in a small town that’s far from a major city and there’s mostly families or old people in my area.
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Here’s an idea. Since you live in a small town away from a major city, if you live in the US, you or your family probably has at least one firearm? If so, go to the gun range and do some target shooting. Traditional men are likely to respect a lady who can handle firearms properly, and as an added bonus being able to handle a firearm properly will (hopefully) scare off the wrong type of man.
 
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The huge issue is commitment, personality and environment.

Environment - How many practising catholics are there? Is there a place for catholics to fellowship easily?

Commitment - How willing are you to commit to a community or getting to know that person?

Personality - Introverted/Extroverted, Plans in the future

I know of people praying many years for a relationship and were actively serving in church but were still single and managed to find relationships in their mid-thirties. Something that came to my mind was 1 Corinthians 7.34, “And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit.”

Give up your time for God and also be open to meeting new people, you never know how things will work out, but have an assurance that while doing so, you are serving God.
 
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In my area, I’m not sure. I was checking to see what states are heavily populated with Catholics because one day I would like to move but I’m not sure if there’s any in my area. There’s only two small churches in my town and the town next to me.

I’m not willing to commit to a community because of my thoughts like why would anyone want to hang out with me when they can be friends with someone else and same thing with a relationship.

I’m always willing to meet new people but at times I have these thoughts or thoughts about wasting my time because before when I tried to make friends at school, no one would want to so why bother wasting my time again? I don’t know if my “hoping” and praying will work out or lead me to someone but everything I do is God oriented.
 
Are you really sure that no one is showing interest? With all due respect, I am wondering if you simply might not notice someone’s interest because you seem to be focused a little to strongly on how you look.

You look pretty in your avatar (BTW, what are you holding??)… so I have to wonder if you have extremely high standards as regards looks. That’s understandable considering our culture with all the ridiculous magazines, etc. and the superficiality in general.
 
I’m really, really serious when I say this - I have never been complemented by a man regarding my looks. Never been asked out. Therefore, never had a boyfriend. This is the truth - for real! I am not sure because I feel like people would or should make a move regardless of how I feel or whatever I’m doing in the moment.

Thanks! I’m holding burritos (I’m a food blogger so I took a photo of me [something I never do] holding burritos as I did not know how to photograph a burrito). I have high standards but I feel like the guys I like like pretty girls and I’m the opposite of that. I agree - I mean yeah I care about looks but I care more about the inside and one’s values etc. I mean lots of girls are pretty and can offer a lot too so why would someone go with me? 😐
 
I really recommend you seek out therapy for your self-esteem. As long as you put yourself down and focus on the superficial, you will struggle to find someone worthy of you. And this goes for any kind of relationship - friendship or romantic.
 
Thanks for your reply but I’ve already gone to therapy. Also, my self-esteem is caused by the fact that at my age, I haven’t had any experience (complement or asked out) and all my friends had something so of course how do you think this is supposed to make me feel? Looks is the first thing we see that captures our attention so since I haven’t had anything, it has to be my looks.
 
We’ll, I also didn’t get much feedback from the opposite sex. I think it was me. Partly my aloof personality and not fitting in too well in terms of the way people communicate. People who like me have an appreciation for someone different. But if they don’t show an interest, I tend not too also. Not making any progress, I ended up looking outside the box, to a slightly different culture. That worked. It sounds like you have a certain taste in men / perhaps that could be broadened. The proverbial look outside the box, in some way. With all due respect I feel that you must be not noticing some little conversations that are really a guy trying to gauge whether you’re interested at all.

Burritos? I’m wondering if you’re kidding!. 🤨 🙂
 
Ah okay, I see. Cool! Yes, I have a certain taste and that’s certain that probably would not be broadened.

I never had a guy talk to me apart from family and a few male friends when I was in school but that’s it.

I’m not kidding. One can take a good photo of burritos from a restaurant but frozen burritos are hard to photograph.
 
It doesn’t have to be your looks at all. It may be that your attitude of ‘why look at me/want me/like me when you could be with X’ comes across to other people.

Your self-worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in what other people think. This is why you should get a good therapist who can help you with this. You need to be happy within yourself, because this is what attracts people. You sound as though currently you’re putting so much pressure on yourself for things to happen that it’s having the opposite effect.
 
bostonsportsforever said:
I never had a guy talk to me apart from family and a few male friends when I was in school but that’s it.
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How often do you approach and speak to guys? How do you feel when you do? Do you approach all men as though they potentially could be your future husband? Or do you try to focus as friends?

You don’t have to answer these here. Just something to think about and consider.
 
You don’t have to be aesthetically gorgeous to find a good husband. If you want an exceptionally handsome man who meets your particular criteria and taste, that’s a vain motivation. If you’re healthy, be thankful for that and don’t worry about whether your physical appearance is in perfect proportions with the golden ratio. Men who don’t know you may not compliment your appearance, but does that really matter? Focus on living virtuously, and look for virtuous men. God made you and has a plan for you, and if that’s marriage he will bring that man into your life, but it may take some genuine humility — not self-loathing — and openness to finding someone you don’t expect to be your “type.”

Do you have a spiritual director? Definitely get a spiritual director to help you discern your vocation.
 
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bostonsportsforever said:
In my area, I’m not sure. I was checking to see what states are heavily populated with Catholics because one day I would like to move but I’m not sure if there’s any in my area. There’s only two small churches in my town and the town next to me.

I’m not willing to commit to a community because of my thoughts like why would anyone want to hang out with me when they can be friends with someone else and same thing with a relationship.
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Moving to another city, doesn’t resolve the issue of loneliness. When I moved away from home, I had new challenges to face and a big one is to find a community that I can interact with. Similar to yourself, I had the idea of not wanting to commit to community, but for a different reason because in the past, I was always the one that invested more time to friends and usually these friends fail to reciprocate the time. So, I thought it was pointless to make friends, because all friends will eventually disappear. And so to speak, I kept hopping from community to community, didn’t treat friendships seriously.

I think what changed for me, was a homily by an archbishop, where my friend and I attended, both of us are single guys and discerning relationship. The homily touched on the challenges of both sides of the coin, singles and married. The key thing that really touched my heart was that if you aren’t happy being single, then marriage probably wouldn’t be a good idea, in a catholic view. If you don’t feel comfort by being alone spending time with God, then in marriage, you have to deal with more challenges such as raising a family, spending time with your spouse and also prioritising God. After that homily, I truly realised I am never alone because God knows my inner most desires and I started to appreciate the beauty of being single while keeping my doors open to relationship.

As Christ loved us, we are also called to love others. This means we don’t say it’s a waste of time to go out to meet people, even though some people can be mean and unpleasant. It took me a lot of time to overcome this struggle of committing to a community, because I have a lot of mistrust towards others, but whenever I am reminded of the life of Christ, then I am humbled to have the courage to go out and meet others.
 
bostonsportsforever said:
I’m really, really serious when I say this - I have never been complemented by a man regarding my looks. Never been asked out. Therefore, never had a boyfriend. This is the truth - for real! I am not sure because I feel like people would or should make a move regardless of how I feel or whatever I’m doing in the moment.
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It can be traumatic to meet the opposite gender and I know this because similar to you, I never had a relationship. Each time I plucked up the courage to get to know a girl more, either the girl was already attached or the girl wasn’t interested. Some of the girls gave really misleading signs like wanting to gain attention out of me, some of them despite being attached, talked to me in a way of showing interest. The recovery time after each trauma, takes longer. It made me consider leaving the entire city/town and going elsewhere. The worst part of it, is that a number of the girls were practising in the faith and it makes me struggle with my own faith.

And all this while, like you I struggle with loneliness and the temptation of envy hits me hard when I see people attached. However, there were a few adjustments I made to my life that really got me back. I stopped using social media to view others’ images, it made me less envious of others. I started to pay more attention to physical health, it takes my mind away from loneliness and improve myself. I started to go to church more, spent time with God, since I had more time on my hands. Occasionally, I still struggle with envy, but now I am more satisfied because I know the way society perceive loneliness is the single life, but in the eyes of God, being single doesn’t meant loneliness, it transcends beyond our own expectations of others and body image.

The guys you like, might not find you pretty, but they are just humans. God loves you regardless of your beauty and the issue is what then if God don’t lead you to the guys you like. I always believe in divine intervention, if God don’t lead me to someone special, then I will accept His will, because you never know how things will pen out if you end up with that person. So, I live each day as it is and try to meet new people. If everything you do is God oriented, then I am sure you will understand what I am saying.
 
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gohjedrek said:
Environment - How many practising catholics are there? Is there a place for catholics to fellowship easily?
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And very important, I will add: what the proportion of men and women there is among active catholics. Because parishes and church asociations are mostly run and followed by old people and women in many places. Young single men who are willing to get married are a small minority in many places…
 
OP, from your picture and your grammar, I’m guessing you’re Philippine-American? My wife is Filipina. In my experience, Filipina moms will say their kids are ugly, or stupid, but they don’t really mean it and they don’t realize how it hurts their kids. You’re not ugly, not even close, but if you believe that you’re ugly people will pick up on that. Plus, standards of beauty are different here. Look at Filipino TV, the actresses are all pale and chubby and use way too much makeup. The girls your mom might think are ideal, would not be greatly admired here. I might also say, and this won’t be popular on this forum, but maybe don’t limit yourself to Catholic guys.
 
I’m part Filipino, yes. I’m open to all people but of course I pay attention to Catholic or Christian. As long as they’re nice and have good values and morals and are okay of my standards (looks and quality wise) then sure but I haven’t had any interest from anyone so nothing much I can do on my end because I tried making the first move before and they failed and I rather have someone make the first move and I don’t want to waste my time again.
 
I don’t want to sound rude, or cruel, but you do seem to focus a lot on yourself. That isn’t always bad, I do it myself, but you should have something to do, besides think about, and belittle, yourself.

Do you have any interests in politics? I know you do in religion, but it seems to focus on catholic/Christian doctrine. Basic doctrine. Have you ever read any challenging books on the subject? What else are you interested in?

Are there any book clubs, or adult classes in your area? Try to join ones that seem interesting. For those that are given without cost, maybe something you don’t know about? You may be pleasantly surprised!

Also…try not to focus solely on men to date, when looking to make new acquaintances. Try to like people…for what they are. All are creations of God! Maybe men don’t approach you because they have no way of knowing anything about you. You may be giving out negative vibes. Try to focus on other people and ideas. If you’re at the store, and you help some older person with their purchases, young men are going to notice! It may take a while, but you will have made an impression. And, if this man sees you at church, a social or service event, you’ll soon have a friend, maybe.

Stop planning your life, for a time, and just live it. You may become more relaxed, and comfortable, approaching and being approached by others.

Pause and think…are you using your ‘ugliness’ as an excuse? For not working on yourself, your mind, and developing empathy for other people, of both sexes and all ages? Remember, people have brothers, sons, grandsons., nephews, cousins, etc. And, if you make a good impression on them, they may want to introduce you.

Try to think about other things, outside your marriage prospects. And, when you go back to school, you may be pleasantly surprised!

Best wishes, and God Bless!
 
This ∆∆
Also it does sound a bit like you’re using your self-percieved “ugliness” as an excuse. If you don’t want to try online, and you don’t want to branch out in reality, then do you really want to find a guy? A fisherman doesn’t catch fish by just talking about wanting to catch fish. He has to go where the fish are.
Just get a half decent photo of yourself taken. It doesn’t have to be a super close up. You also need to give a dating site about 6 months to a year to even start to get real results.
 
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