14 Year Old Son’s Girlfriend Stay Over?

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Xanthippe_Voorhees:

The more controlled teens are the more devistating the eventual bad behavior usually is.

Because they have no internal controls–just external controls.

Precisely. Parents often think that being strict means that their child will learn to behave in a well-regimented way. However, it dosn’t work that way. A child needs to learn to pick up after themselves if they want to live in a tidy space. Simply living in a clean home will not make an adult who values and can achieve clenliness.

 

[BoyGenius]

Pretty much my argument entails that it’s wrong. And no one should. And if you are a parent with right informed judgement, you would completely get the point. From another commenters point of view, because he had a close family (healthy/normal), nothing wrong happened. Yet, none of his siblings did anything which the OP’s premise follows. The OP stated their boy makes out with the girl. And that swings close to hormones and biology. And as a few people have commented: “pooling the wool over your eyes.” And one said, the boy is “disingenuous” All makes the right sense in saying “no.”

 

[Xantippe]

I’m going to put in a plug now for Perrault and Salkeld’s “How Far Can We Go: A Catholic Guide to Sex and Dating.”

It has some very helpful stuff about how different standards are appropriate at different ages.

It would be a good idea for both sets of parents and the young people to read the book (or at least relevant chapters).

 

[devinnz]

1. Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.
2. I appreciate everyone who trusted my opinion of my son and I’s relationship/level of trust. Those of you who rushed to absurd opinions based off of fear are the reason that the media is able to find examples of Catholic extremists so easily.
3. Parenthood is about the nourishment and cultivation of the mind and conscience, which can only be done with a balance of freedom and guidelines. The area where a lot of you all stray as parents is by going “OH MY GOSH MY CHILD WILL NOT DO THIs and CANNOT BE EXPOSED TO THIS BECAUSE IT WILL PERMANENTLY DAMAGE THEM.” Proper parenting is done by first teaching your child to trust you, then by a lack of betrayal on your part, followed by allowing the child to see what the world is like while teaching the Catholic Church’s position on the happenings of the world. My son is allowed to date because we think it’s valuable that he isn’t a backwards introvert when he comes of age from the wonderful young man we have to the adult we hope he’ll become. Both sets of parents have discussed thoroughly our rules pertaining to intimacy between the two, and those rules have been upheld. And yes, as some of you have helpfully mentioned, I understand that teens lie. As such, when they do sneak out, I maintain that I have reared my child well enough that he will avoid actions that prevent him from his ultimate destination in heaven.
4. she will not be staying the night, because it creates a precedent upon which the rules would be further tightened. However, she will be picked up tomorrow morning for a relaxing, enjoyable day with her boyfriend and his family at the Maple Sugar Festival in Highland County, Virginia.

Again, I thank you all for your heartfelt responses, and best wishes

(p.s: I’m a man)

 

[Xantippe]

she will not be staying the night, because it creates a precedent upon which the rules would be further tightened. However, she will be picked up tomorrow morning for a relaxing, enjoyable day with her boyfriend and his family at the Maple Sugar Festival in Highland County, Virginia.

Very good.

You can always relax more–it’s a lot harder to take things back once there’s a precedent.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Depends what “making out” means and how much alone time they get for this.

This is the most important part. It’s fine for 14 and 15 year olds to date. However they should never be left alone. Even for a moment. Then, no worries.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, it’s important to talk about consent, in addition to morals.

Simcha Fisher had this piece recently:

16 things Catholic girls should know about consent – SIMCHA FISHER

It needs a little tweaking for talking to boys, but I think it would be a good thing to share with both of the kids.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

A 23yo and a 16yo is pretty disgusting. Not illegal, but I cannot for the life of me understand what a 23yo MAN would see in a 16yo girl.

It’s illegal here. He would be a paedophile

 

[Xantippe]

Devinnz, in charity, your son should not be dating at all. Dating is for those who are ready to marry within a year.

???

Really?

And you can find the right person immediately?

In practice, quite a number of practicing Catholics still meet their future spouses years before it’s possible to get married (for example college students). When you meet the right person and know that it’s the right person, are you supposed to just put each other in cold storage for three years? That isn’t going to work.

I would agree that high schoolers and college underclassmen should be encouraged to take it easy.

 

[Xantippe]

If a man finds a non Catholic, conversion is necessary and with the one converting, it should not take years to make this decision.

It may take 2-3+ years for it to be economically possible for the couple to marry, even if they are 100% certain.

I know that CAFers are often told not to get married until they are ready for a baby–which is a problem for 19-year-olds in love in the US in 2018. It’s very unlikely that they will be able to marry and have a baby together without suffering poverty and/or becoming dependent on the taxpayer’s generosity.

Finding similar interests in a wife is not a major criteria.

Says who?

You’re right that looks are not everything–which is why compatibility is important. That may include similar interests.

If between man and woman, there are different interests, because of unity in the Catholic faith, they would respect the differences in there interests.

Just both being Catholic is not enough for a lifelong marriage these days. It might have been good enough in the past, but it is rarely enough now.

Everything should be predicated upon the Catholic faith. Worldly interests per se, is all vanity.

In that case, you should marry someone who shares that belief, because you would be incompatible with almost everybody else.

Are you married? This all sounds very theoretical.

 

[alice24]

I married my husband 1,5 after we got steady, we went steady fast after we got to know each other closer in a wider university friend circle. But one year? Really? If you have nothing to do but sitting on your ready hope chest and wating for a spouse, ok. Even then there is much organisation work to do - and I say this with a small wedding for under 1,5 k and no honeymoon except a working day we skipped. It was a rush! And Conversion, in this short time? Nope.
And with all respect, a marriage without at least some shared interests seems horrible to me. A shared faith life is not the definition of a spouse, good to have, but I have this with my katechesis teacher more than with my husband. Needless to say I never wanted to marry the teacher
We have alot stress because of our “early marriage” decision. Work contracts at our former town, student loans, etc. I don´t regret a single day, but really, if anyone would say “I like to wait until my studies are finished” this is nothing but a reasonable fine decision.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I find this view so sad. It is so closed minded.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Devinnz, in charity, your son should not be dating at all. Dating is for those who are ready to marry within a year. And the marriage act is reserved for the sacrament of matrimony. All other sex acts satisfy lust and lust and fornication is a mortal sin. Making out, as you say, would be like smoking pot and then graduating to other so called “recreational drugs”. In order to be Catholic, you cannot act as the world does! This is why Jesus says if you are going to follow me, deny yourself and take up your cross. This means reject [deny] the compromising ways of man and pick up your cross and follow me. And if you do this, you will not make many friends but you will be a friend with Jesus and Mary. Being Catholic is not easy, that is why the reward is SO GREAT!

Uhhhhh…marriage a year after dating? There is a phrase “before you marry make sure to see the man in all seasons” which means that you should have at least a year worth of experiences. My husband and I were pretty sure we wanted to get married about 6 months after we started dating. However, we did not get engaged until close to a year and did not get married until closer to two. And it was VERY fast. I would not recommend it to anyone under 25. Hubby and I were very much old enough to know ourselves.

I know a few high school sweethearts who did not have sex and are happily married today. Those who are young need many years to make the same decisions that older people cannot as they themselves are developing and changing.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I was floored by your quote above!! You call yourself ‘Catholic’ and in the next breath, you deny God, as if to say He is not enough, only man can accomplish anything, man must do for himself, in charity, that was outrageous prideful and blasphemous!

No. Not at all. Until 200 years ago something like 98% of people were farmers. This meant that the majority of their decisions were the same.

Today careers vary widely. For instance, no matter how Catholic and wonderful when I was dating men in the military were not on my radar for personal reasons. I also did not want to date high powered corporate husband like my friend as he travled around the world and was not often home. At the same time I knew that my wages were not enough to support a family and I wanted to have one parent at home to raise the kids so men who were a bit directionless were off the radar, too.

My vocation is to be a wife and a mother. I am able to help support my family through freelance work. God works with our desires. He is a perfect Gentleman. He never forces. Life today is very complicated and there are a number of things that people have as legitmate boundaries.

 

[Arwing]

Those of you who rushed to absurd opinions based off of fear are the reason that the media is able to find examples of Catholic extremists so easily.

While I do think a few of the opinions in this thread are a tad extreme, I would agree with those expressing concern regarding “making out” in this situation-- not intending to presume here but I would imagine many kids that age don’t have a clear understanding that consenting to any resultant arousal is sinful. Goes for both of them of course.

I didn’t date at that age, but I figure I would have tricked myself into thinking, “well as long as my main intent is that I’m expressing my feelings for her it’s okay” or something like that. Again I’m not claiming to know what goes on in the heads of your son or his girlfriend, but just echoing the concerns of others here that this kind of thing is often a real risk for both individuals involved, that one or the other takes it as an occasion to sin.

Regarding the actual topic, I won’t comment on that as it seems it’s already solved.

 

[devinnz]

I believe that you misinterpreted Xantippe’s quote. They simply meant that a common religion (in this case, Catholicism), is not an instant qualifier for marriage; While it is vital that your spouse eventually convert to Catholicism (or at a bare minimum, agree to raise your offspring under the teachings of the Church), it is not instant grounds for the sacrament of matrimony. As you so succinctly stated, “Marriage is for the procreation and education of children to fill up heaven,” and this cannot be done unless the parents’ complement each other, function well together as a team, and are able to demonstrate a loving relationship to their kids, all of which are requirements that involve and encompass much more than shared Catholicism.

 

[QwertyGirl]

This is why few are saved

Please be careful with this. You have no way of knowing who is “saved” and who isn’t.

 

[dallas_r]

I feel like you kinda started in the middle of the story. So you are taking your son and his girlfriend to something the following day that requires leaving at 7 AM?

I think there are two things you have to consider. The first is that your son and his girlfriend fool around. I don’t think you need to worry about this too much, honestly. They’re not sleeping in the same room, or even on the same floor. And assuming they ever go anywhere alone together (like to the movies or something) they could be theoretically be fooling around there. (Not trying to put that image in your head, just saying.) So I don’t see how this is worse just because it would be in the middle of the night. I highly doubt he’s got the cajones to try something, but you know him and I don’t so…

The second is how it looks, aka, “scandal.” Is it going to get around school that his girlfriend slept over at his house, and all the other kids are going to make assumptions that something sexual went on? Is that rumor then going to float back to the parents, and now there are all kinds of rumors swirling around? This is the more serious concern, I think.

I guess bottom line is I think you can probably get away with it, provided you are crystal clear on the rules, and her parents are on board too and giving her the same speech.

Agreed.

My parents would flip out if I even said “girlfriend”.

 

[Xantippe]

The sacrament of matrimony is not for companionship alone, that is secondary, that can be done without marriage.

But it’s awfully important. See Genesis 2:18 where God says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

That sounds like companionship is important.

Xantippe, in charity you hold a worldly position regarding marriage. There are only two ways in this world, God’s way and man’s way.

The supernatural is in addition to the natural and builds on it, not in place of it.

Your quote [Xantippe]. “Just both being Catholic is not enough for a lifelong marriage these days. It might have been good enough in the past, but it is rarely enough now.”

I was floored by your quote above!! You call yourself ‘Catholic’ and in the next breath, you deny God, as if to say He is not enough, only man can accomplish anything, man must do for himself, in charity, that was outrageous prideful and blasphemous!

I don’t see where you’re getting that.

With God all things are possible.

Then why didn’t Jesus step off the Temple when tempted?

Prudence is one of the four cardinal virtues, and it’s not prudent to marry a person with whom one has nothing in common besides faith.

I’m not sure at all what your Casti Connubii quote has to do with what I said. I was pointing out that it’s not prudent to marry before being capable of welcoming a baby. Many young people are of an age where it makes sense for them to be dating (say, college age) but not yet getting married and having a family. If two 19-year-old college students meet and are eager to get married, it might well make a lot of sense for them to wait until graduation to get married, so as not to be dependent on parents or public assistance if they have a baby together.

 

[Xantippe]

No. Not at all. Until 200 years ago something like 98% of people were farmers. This meant that the majority of their decisions were the same.

Today careers vary widely. For instance, no matter how Catholic and wonderful when I was dating men in the military were not on my radar for personal reasons. I also did not want to date high powered corporate husband like my friend as he travled around the world and was not often home. At the same time I knew that my wages were not enough to support a family and I wanted to have one parent at home to raise the kids so men who were a bit directionless were off the radar, too.

My vocation is to be a wife and a mother. I am able to help support my family through freelance work. God works with our desires. He is a perfect Gentleman. He never forces. Life today is very complicated and there are a number of things that people have as legitmate boundaries.

Right.

Just practicing Catholic is not enough. Think, for example, of all of the CAFers who are practicing Catholics and of the opposite sex, but rub us the wrong way. Is it realistic to think that any of us could marry any random CAFer of the opposite sex and be equally happy, no matter who it was? Aren’t there some CAFers who seem too loose, too rigid, too stupid, to over-intellectual, who make terrible puns, who seem stuck up, are too young, too old, etc., etc.? There are a lot of different possibilities for incompatibility.