Dilemma. Please give me your opinion

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I have made up my mind about the original question I asked in this thread, so I will use this opportunity to talk about my SSA experience instead. This is something I can never shared with anyone since a young age until now.
  • My childhood was great. Mom and dad love each other, love the children.
  • I have met both nice and not nice people in my life, male and female. I am not the kind of person who would say that the whole gender is bad, just because I meet a bad person of that gender on a particular day.
  • I have watched couples around me and kind of ‘get’ what it is like to be in a normal relationship.
  • I have good friends, both genders. I used to make friends easily because I like to make people laugh and care for them.
  • After acknowledged my SSA at 14, I stopped making friends. Stopped having any kind of fun or social life.
  • My family thought that I was just going through puberty. You know, their boy now growing up, becomes quiet like a man, which is great.
  • But it was just a mask I wear to hide the true reason. I am still an outgoing person, I just hide it. I don’t want to have fun, don’t want to be too successful because once fun, money and power come, I think that will make me feel ‘why I am such a good guy but I am not allowed to be with whoever I like’. I chose a quiet life to remind myself of my problem.
  • In another word, if I didn’t have SSA, I would still be the same person as I am now, inside, but the way I present myself to the world would be different.
  • If there are one guy and one lady, with equal qualities and I get along with both, I would immediately want to be around the guy more, get to know him more.
  • Physically, I find guys attractive and their characters are more appealing, including their flaws. When I look at a lady, I can tell that she is charming or not, is a nice lady or not. I just cannot go any further than that with women.
 
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Lost said:
After acknowledged my SSA at 14, I stopped making friends. Stopped having any kind of fun or social life.
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Thank you again for sharing these private details. You certainly are a very brave and determined man.
In regards to above, did you have the idea that this is your identity and there is nothing you can do to change it?

my own theory is this.

I believe SSA feelings are common and it does not need to define us. But society is telling us one cannot change. I think the youngster who ends up believing this then undergoes a process of self victimisation and then this reinforces the SSA. Good healthy male to male friendship suffers and then this becomes a vicious cycle.

I really feel sorry and angry about the whole situation. We are not helping these young people at all where they need it most. If only we can tell them one does not need to acknowledge SSA and it doesn’t need to define us. I believe change is possible.
 
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I tried, but… I don’t know. Not sure what else I can do.
What you said is correct though.
I don’t know how to face that part of me.
 
My opinion is you need a therapist who knows what they are doing. Unfortunately that’s very hard to come by but there are people around who could do that. See if Courage can help you.

Obviously reparative therapy is more unlikely to work as one gets older but I think there are still realistic goals you may be able to achieve with a therapist.
The red flag that concerns me with your story is that this is affecting your work. I think you can aim for a goal where to continue working with your boss doesn’t affect you at all as you see him as just another good healthy wholesome male to male friendship.
At this stage I wouldn’t aim for the goal of gaining opposite sexual attraction. Often the problem is with the same sex rather than the opposite sex.

Again my disclaimer is that everybody is different and what I said may not apply to you.
 
And just so to cheer you on again, I just want to reiterate what you have done so far is AMAZING already. Do not forget that.
 
I’m not trying to press you into a certain point of view, but I never met anyone who had a perfect childhood. My parents love, me ect. I use to think “I’ve got too loving catholic parents, I’m lucky”. But later on I began to see things more realistically, and discovered, yes, there were problems
Key time periods to look at in your life are at about 3 year old, the transition from strictly maternal attachment, where a child starts to find the father interesting. Then 5-12 years old, which is when one bonds primarily with their same sex peers.

If you do look into therapy, you probably could benefit from this book: https://www.amazon.com/Shame-Attachment-Loss-Practical-Reparative/dp/0997637307
 
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I understand what you mean. I will keep trying. Thanks for caring.
 
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I think I will start remembering my life at the time frame you specified. And read the book.
I reckon this will be one of my best Easter in 15 years.
 
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this video is a good overview on Nicolosi’s stuff:

Just know that there is a boatload of controversy (and politics) surrounding this stuff. A huge boatload.
 
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I am used to and immunized against the gay agenda, don’t worry.
I trust in God and hope that people can open their eyes.
 
Allow me to make two more points.

Often SSA people harbour unhealthy feelings of anger and unfairness which then turn into self victimisation.
The most common one is probably “why can’t I love this person just like my straight friend who loves his wife?” The problem is this perceived “love” is never going to fulfill the deep desires. This then turn into feelings of unfairness “why is society unfair to people like me?” And then into self victimisation “why me?”
The issue is that all of these feelings are not the pathway to being a wholesome man or manhood.

Joe has recommended good Nicolosi books. They are good.

I also recommend Growth Into Manhood by Medinger. I actually recommend this to even straight men. This is not only a SSA problem. Some straight men have also missed key parts in their growth into manhood and may manifest themselves as violence or relationship problems. It just happens for SSA people this manifests as SSA.
 
What an example you are of what it truly takes to avoid acting on one’s impulses that God wants us to control! Your level of maturity and honesty in your struggles is worthy of admiration. I commend you on your strength and perseverance.

You will be in my prayers. Pray to your Guardian Angel for continued guidance and fortitude. It’s in our struggles and acknowledging our weakness that is most pleasing to God. May God bless you and Our Lady walk beside you.
 
Well, Lost,
You made your decision. In quitting your job, w dignity, God will bless you.I pray you put in and got a new job before leaving. It will work out! I didn’t want to say this about one of my attractions b/c I cured it in a humiliating way. I was older and 15# overweight. I knew he wouldn’t reciprocate feelings. So, I told him. It was embarrassing. He was so sweet. He said,”He felt honored that I had those feelings” He must have had good parental teachings.
Once, I embarrassed myself, the butterflies left.
Why, I didn’t share that is: The world is crazy worshipping sex as a god. He’s heterosexual. BUT what if he wanted to try something different? Or he is bi-sexual. It’s so bad now. I didn’t think it was safe to try.
If he agreed, your strength to avoid sin might have dissolved.
Let us know when you get a new job.
Lord, there aren’t many of Your children that honor Your commandments. Jesus, you were tempted by Satan. You know the strong tugs we get to sin. I know you will bless Lost, in his need for a new job.
Let him find the fulfilled life you want for him.
In Jesus’s name.
Amen
Tweedlealice
 
Blessings
That is a good point Ratio 1.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
Writing them all out makes me realize the way I live me life is a little bit negative.
I should change from now.
 
What use is this information though? While it may be a common stereotype, I fail to see why it helps anything. I think that homosexuality may be more common in these people simply because they have a harder time fitting in with their own sex early on, but it’s a massive simplificaiton.
Me, and some other gay men, are interested in film, for example, which happens to be a male dominated industry. Same with musicians, I think. They are just not your average, and typical male interests…

I would wager that Machoism is equally prevelant, if not more so, then effeminant behavior in the gay comunity.
 
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I consider myself to be more gentle in look and gestures than an average guy (not more gentle than most guys). My pitch is normal though haha. Maybe because I have SSA but not acting on it? Idk. I do have hobbies that apply for both sexes, or only male, or only female. That’s just my personality I guess.
The SSA experience is really diverse, even though common traits can be seen.
There might be people who you never would have thought that they like people of the same sex, they do. Or vice versa.
You know how people talk about gaydar? Sometimes I still get it wrong.
 
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That’s ok, I wasn’t offended in the sense that I felt my masculinity was under attack, I just didn’t think it would be helpful for the original poster to attribute homosexuality to non gender comformity.
 
gaydar is a combination of “radar” and “gay”, and its a term used to describe someones ability to recognize gay people.
 
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macho means “showing agressive pride in ones masculinity”, By machoism I meant an obsession with being overtly masculine in appearence or behavior.
 
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