Looking for some advice!!!

[qui_est_ce]

The only reason that you’ve been able to hold on this long are those little breaks where the abuse lightens up and he is nice to you. People who hold people hostage use the same technique. My priest told me “You are not his wife. You are his hostage.” It helped to think of it like that.

That is so true!! They treat you like dirt, abuse you, tell you you’re not doing your fair share. You bend over backwards to do everything. I remember I used to do laundry after the kids went to bed. One time, in a rage, he took all the laundry dripping wet out of the washer and threw it on the floor, because the washing machine was too loud (it was on the other end of the house). Everytime I threatened to leave him, he would cry and beg and plead me to stay. He NEEDED me!! I fell for it, until I saw yea, he needed me as a hostage!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

qui est ce, I could match your tales story for story. They’re all alike. Don’t disturb their precious sleep. But if they’re in the mood, they’ll keep you awake till 4 in the morning screaming at you about the same old things.

 

[dulcissima]

They’re all alike.

The funny thing is they think they are so special that the regular rules don’t apply to them, but there is not one thing about them that is unique or original. In fact, what they do is appallingly predictable, almost as if they all received their programming at the same place.

 

[qui_est_ce]

The funny thing is they think they are so special that the regular rules don’t apply to them, but there is not one thing about them that is unique or original. In fact, what they do is appallingly predictable, almost as if they all received their programming at the same place.

It’s funny now. It wasn’t then. My sisters and I laugh about what an ignorant person he was. I don’t feel one bit sorry for him.

My son (now 22) used to have terrible anger management problems when he turned 16. I thought, here it goes, he’s just like his dad, but I kept the thought to myself. My daughter (now 19 but 13 at the time) noticed it and said, “he’s just like Dad, can’t you see?” I felt horrible about it. This past summer, his dad wanted him to spend the summer with him in CT where he lives with wife #3. He wanted DS to work on a new house they are building. DS went. My sisters and I made a pact on how long he would last, because his father always starts screaming at him after a few days. One year he ran away from his dad. To our surprise, he lasted all summer, even though he was screamed at. He said he was going to stick to his end of the bargain.

One night shortly after he got back, I heard him on the phone with his girlfriend. They argue a lot (another story). But this time, after listening to her (ranting) for 10 minutes, he said, “, I can see you’re very upset. You’re mad at your mom. I can understand that. I’m going to hang up now. Call me when you feel better.”

I was so impressed, I asked him where he learned that. He said that after spending the summer with his dad, he knew he didn’t want to be like that. He didn’t want to be an angry person. He made up his own mind not to be like that.

 

[qui_est_ce]

qui est ce, I could match your tales story for story. They’re all alike. Don’t disturb their precious sleep. But if they’re in the mood, they’ll keep you awake till 4 in the morning screaming at you about the same old things.

Yea, and that takes a lot of energy. I remember looking at his finger in my face, thinking, there’s a lot off rage in there. It was like his whole body was in that finger.

Really, it’s very funny now, because it’s so ridiculous.

 

[dulcissima]

One night shortly after he got back, I heard him on the phone with his girlfriend. They argue a lot (another story). But this time, after listening to her (ranting) for 10 minutes, he said, “, I can see you’re very upset. You’re mad at your mom. I can understand that. I’m going to hang up now. Call me when you feel better.”

I was so impressed, I asked him where he learned that. He said that after spending the summer with his dad, he knew he didn’t want to be like that. He didn’t want to be an angry person. He made up his own mind not to be like that.

That is SO awesome. I still worry so much about my 16 year old son. He has had a lot of counseling, and knows his dad’s anger is so not okay, but he still acts like him and allows himself to be manipulated by him. How old was your son when your marriage broke up? I worry that I waited too long to leave.

 

[heather0370]

I have a date in mind but it is kind of far away my 40th birthday in March. My husband’s birthday is the day before mine and he will be 40 as well. I have been experiencing this behavior for a long time. He has changed for a certain period but tends to fall back into his old habits. I know that he can’t change for the better. What is funny is I changed to adapt to him and he can’t do it for me? As most of you have posted, I need to get out of this situation, which I do agree with all of you. I have been affected by his ways and I can see certain things in my daughters. I don’t want that for my daughters or myself.

You are right as far as confronting him about the issue and him being upset for days. That is not a good situation. I understand that you are frustrated about some of the things I say. I am just trying to talk things through and maybe I am wrong for that. Trust me I know more now than ever that he is not good for my children and me. I know now more than ever that I need to leave but I also know that I need to continue to talk everything through and hopefully all of you will still continue to offer your advice.

I wouldn’t even know where to look for an authentic Christian Catholic man nor am I even in a position to look or want to at this point in my life. I understand that if 99 % of the men in the world sin, it is still wrong.

I definitely do not want my children to end up with someone like my husband. I do not want them treated badly nor do I want them see me being treated this way. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know that the material things are not the reason to stay. I do want peace of mind and I don’t want to feel the way I feel everyday. I am tired.

I agree with you on the little breaks. He gets extra nice when everything is going the way he wants it to but if I change anything he is a different person. I can see what you mean by wife vs hostage. In the three days, I haven’t talked to him much. I basically answer the questions that he asks. It has been pretty quiet with no fighting. I know I can do the right thing for my girls and my son even though he doesn’t live with me anymore.

I am very grateful for all the advice from everyone. I am not a stupid person. I do know right from wrong and that is why I am where I am right now and questioning things to make sure that I am right. He had changed me to make me believe that he was right and all of long he has been wrong in all aspects of his values/morals.

I just need to continue to talk things through. I have already seen my attorney and the approval should be coming from the insurance anytime now. I have an appointment with my priest. Things are moving along except for getting my emotions under control. I am working on it.

Thanks!!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Sigh.

If you would read the WHOLE PDF I keep recommending till I’m blue in the face, it would be much easier to get your emotions in control.

You’d see that he never “changes.” He just plays you till you give in and then he goes back to the way he always is. But it’s a glimpse that he CAN control himself when he wants to. You’re just not important enough to him to make him want to. He puts that act on for the people whose opinions matter.

THAT should make you resolve to walk away, forget about celebrating his birthday with him. Give him a nice gift: Make him celebrate it alone. Your presence in his life really isn’t important.

He will never do anything for you. Narcissists live only for themselves. READ THE WHOLE PDF!!!

You aren’t even allowed to have your own moods. Mine would get mad at me because “when I’m happy, you’re sad and when I am upset about something you’re happy. Can’t you ever be on the same page with my moods?” See… I wasn’t even allowed to have a mood that didn’t jive with what HE was feeling at any given moment. If I was in a good mood, he’d come in and start ruining it. He knew all the buttons to push. Then he’d look at me and comment on my “mood swings” and how I needed to “be on medication.”

If I deliberately left the room every time he’d start, he’d accuse me of being hostile, and “weird” and if I reacted and cried to his abuse I’d be accused of being “unstable” and “needing medication.”

Then he would try to tell me what I was REALLY feeling. And he didn’t even know me well enough to know what to accuse me of.

Living with someone who plays head games with you and denigrates you is abuse. Don’t celebrate your birthday and his with him. Set him free to pursue life with all the internet cuties he’s pining for.

 

[qui_est_ce]

That is SO awesome. I still worry so much about my 16 year old son. He has had a lot of counseling, and knows his dad’s anger is so not okay, but he still acts like him and allows himself to be manipulated by him. How old was your son when your marriage broke up? I worry that I waited too long to leave.

I left when I was 41!!! My son was 9 and my daughter 6. I worried I waited too long too. 16-20 were the most horrible years with him. All the drama I expect out of a girl, not a boy. He flunked out of college twice - and he is SMART (33 on ACT). He lost all his scholarships. Then when he turned 21, he suddenly changed. All the mistakes he made. He has a job at a grocery store he’s had since he was 16. All of a sudden, he realized his future was in his own hands. Blaming Dad was not going to solve his problems. I didn’t expect this until he would be 24 or 25 because everybody always says boys take longer to grow up than girls. He did move out of the house a few months after he turned 21. I was upset about it because I thought he couldn’t afford it. It was one of the best things he ever did. He said he needed to depend on himself and grow up! I have a great deal of respect for him now. (Wouldn’t have dreamed it 4 years ago!!)!!

He is now attending junior college (paying his own tuition and books) and working in the butcher department at the same grocery store. He has to bring his grades up because he wants to go to nursing school!!

Be patient, love him, and don’t be afraid to discipline him. (I made him go to church on Sundays). You might not feel it’s working, but believe me, he’ll respect you when he gets older.

All the teen turmoil is now forgotten. He is a wonderful, caring, empathetic young man. He is polite (even if he does have a pierced lip)!! Sunday’s he goes to my 86 year old mom’s house at three to cook with her. Then I go over at 5:00 for a cocktail and the meal.

Awesome. Never know what God has in store for you.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Sigh.

THAT should make you resolve to walk away, forget about celebrating his birthday with him. Give him a nice gift: Make him celebrate it alone. Your presence in his life really isn’t important.

When he turned 40, I got him a special cake from a bakery that was 1/2 hour each way. I had two little kids in the car for an hour getting this special cake for Daddy. When we presented it to him, he refused to eat it! Awful. I still don’t have any idea why he wouldn’t eat it, except to hurt us.
Two years later I turned 40, and he didn’t even get me a cake. Nothing. My best friend, who had just had a baby, got a neighbor boy to drive her to the store and she bought me a decorated cake, with my name on it. He was furious when he saw it. Why? Because it made HIM look like a cad. But still, I waited another year before I left him

.
Living with someone who plays head games with you and denigrates you is abuse. Don’t celebrate your birthday and his with him. Set him free to pursue life with all the internet cuties he’s pining for.

Awesome I like your attitude

 

[qui_est_ce]

I wouldn’t even know where to look for an authentic Christian Catholic man nor am I even in a position to look or want to at this point in my life.

Thanks!!!

You don’t need another man right now. You need to be there for your kids. Maybe when they’re grown up and out of the house…

I am perfectly happy with the peace in my life for the last 13 years.

And don’t sleep with him any more!! Go sleep on the sofa. It’s so much nicer.

 

[dulcissima]

Heather, when you say March, do you mean next month?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

One year xh served me with divorce papers 12 days before his birthday. He was angry with me because I didn’t get him a card and gift that year. Of course he didn’t get me anything for my birthday. But he was mad that my parents got me several cards and a gift. Yeah, it made him look bad.

That’s all they care about… how THEY look to strangers. They don’t care how they look to the people living under their roof.

 

[qui_est_ce]

One year xh served me with divorce papers 12 days before his birthday. He was angry with me because I didn’t get him a card and gift that year. Of course he didn’t get me anything for my birthday. But he was mad that my parents got me several cards and a gift. Yeah, it made him look bad.

That’s all they care about… how THEY look to strangers. They don’t care how they look to the people living under their roof.

LOL. Funny how they all do the EXACT SAME THING!!!

Don’t you think it’s hilarious?

 

[horselvr]

Hmmmmm—I’m starting to think we all married the same creep!

 

[John21652]

You ask what other men:

Some of his friends
Most of the guys he works with (this is where he gets some of his stuff from)
Step father
Father and
Even the counselor that we were seeing for marriage counseling

I don’t associate with his friends and most of the guys he works with. His step father we see on a regular basis and he is constantly saying sexually stuff about me, my daughters and other girls in front of us and even my husband’s mother. He doesn’t see his father. The counselor released us from his care because he said all issues were cleared. They were not cleared with me and my husband would deny this behavior even with proof.

Holy cow, what an environment for your girls. They will grow up thinking that all the wrong, all the liscentiousness they hear is actually normal male behaviour. It isn’t and somehow they need a big lesson on the fact that what they are exposed to is not normal male behaviour and wont be tolerated by you. If you stay and tolerate it, then they are led to beleive it’s all OK. They will then be attracted to the same behaviour when it’s their turn to form relationships, because they will have been led to beleive it’s normal, and the cycle will repeat itself.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Yeah, he gets around.

I have my own washing machine story. Well, the night before I had one of my kids, I knew I was due and wanted the house cleaned for my return. Of course he didn’t help. It got to 9:30 at night and I was putting the other kids to bed. He says “It’s 9:30 now. Why don’t you start running the vacuum cleaner so you can keep me awake.” Then, “I’m not going to work a full week and come home and do half the housework.” “I don’t ask that usually, but I am ready to have a baby, it wouldn’t kill you to help.” “Have your MOTHER do it.” (She wasn’t allowed in my house any other time, but I guess to have her clean up after him would be okay.)

So after I have the baby and he drives me home, the house is a wreck. Laundry all over. So I gather it up and start a load. The machine jams. I"m sitting there crying as I’m pulling wet clothes out of the washer and putting them in the sink. He comes in and tells me “Look at you crying! You ruin everything!”

Huh? Sorry. I’d had a baby 2 days before and he couldn’t even be nice to me for a week.

I’m sure the OP has a washing machine story. The main theme is, while we were with these people, we thought we couldn’t live without them. Then when we were on our own, we realized how little they really helped us and how much energy we drained trying to deal with them, when a perfectly NORMAL person actually would have helped us. But we forget what NORMAL is when we’re stuck with them. Life really IS easier without that garbage.

 

[John21652]

Yeah, he gets around.

I have my own washing machine story. Well, the night before I had one of my kids, I knew I was due and wanted the house cleaned for my return. Of course he didn’t help. It got to 9:30 at night and I was putting the other kids to bed. He says “It’s 9:30 now. Why don’t you start running the vacuum cleaner so you can keep me awake.” Then, “I’m not going to work a full week and come home and do half the housework.” “I don’t ask that usually, but I am ready to have a baby, it wouldn’t kill you to help.” “Have your MOTHER do it.” (She wasn’t allowed in my house any other time, but I guess to have her clean up after him would be okay.)

So after I have the baby and he drives me home, the house is a wreck. Laundry all over. So I gather it up and start a load. The machine jams. I"m sitting there crying as I’m pulling wet clothes out of the washer and putting them in the sink. He comes in and tells me “Look at you crying! You ruin everything!”

Huh? Sorry. I’d had a baby 2 days before and he couldn’t even be nice to me for a week.

I’m sure the OP has a washing machine story. The main theme is, while we were with these people, we thought we couldn’t live without them. Then when we were on our own, we realized how little they really helped us and how much energy we drained trying to deal with them, when a perfectly NORMAL person actually would have helped us. But we forget what NORMAL is when we’re stuck with them. Life really IS easier without that garbage.

I find it hard to beleive some men behave like this, so uncharitable and so selfish and self centred. I can’t imagine this sort of behavour. It actually makes me ashamed of being a man when I read this stuff. How do they get like this?

 

[GoBison]

I find it hard to beleive some men behave like this, so uncharitable and so selfish and self centred. I can’t imagine this sort of behavour. It actually makes me ashamed of being a man when I read this stuff.

It’s not just men that behave like this. There are also women that exhibit the same behavior.

How do they get like this?

We let them. By not standing up for ourselves. Starts off as little things and they push it more and more. We train people how they treat us.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Yeah, he gets around.

I’m sure the OP has a washing machine story. The main theme is, while we were with these people, we thought we couldn’t live without them. Then when we were on our own, we realized how little they really helped us and how much energy we drained trying to deal with them, when a perfectly NORMAL person actually would have helped us. But we forget what NORMAL is when we’re stuck with them. Life really IS easier without that garbage.

I’m really not trying to male bash. I’m certain there are NPD women out there. Guys, you can tell your stories.
Okay, here are my coming home from the hospital stories:

1). I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my 2nd one. My first one (3 years old) had fallen on his face and was bleeding. I pick him up to comfort him. I fell and broke both of my legs. When we got to the hospital, the doctors looked from me, to my little boy, to DXH. The first thing DXH says is, “I didn’t do it.”

2). I got a hysterectomy when I was 41. I had some complications and had to get several units of blood, so I was hooked up to all sorts of machines. My sister came in town to watch the kids. DXH calls his mom, and in front of my sister says, “Yea, I could have just removed one of the tubes, and nobody would have known what got her.”

2.A) I get home from the hospital, and get an infection in the incision. A nurse has to come in twice a day to change the dressing. (Sis has left by now) Very, very painful. Can’t use stomach muscles to get up or lie down. Must go down steps backwards. I get a cleaning lady to come in ONCE to clean my house. Mind you, I had two little kids. He’s furious I spent $50.00 on a cleaning lady. He tells me I don’t look sick to him, and I should sleep on the couch (which is shorter than me). Then he tells me it’s my fault I got the infection because I did too much work around the house!

I really liked sleeping on the couch. It was better than sleeping with him.

Oh, yea, my neighbor’s brother had to take me for follow up visits. I couldn’t drive for 6 weeks. DXH couldn’t be bothered to take time off work.

This thread cause me to appreciate last night. It was so nice to go to my own bed and read till I fell asleep, undisturbed!