To spank or not to spank, that is the question

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Spanking should be a rare occurance and in my opinion not used for a child under two. I do not think they have the cognitive ability to understand consequences. The best thing for the very young ones is distraction. I have spanked. The last time was over two years ago, my eight year old daughter threw a huge trantrum, slamming doors, yelling etc. She has not done that since. I very much agree that if spanking is done it must be done with love. Talking about it later, why a spanking and how to avoid another in the future, is crucial.
 
I have a 14 month old who throws temper tantrums when I try to change his diaper. He is very strong and flips over and crawls away. Sometimes the only way I can get him to lay still is a small quick slap on the thigh. It doesn’t even leave a red mark, but it is what he needs to calm down. Nothing else works. He actually seems happier after I do it.

I know that probably seems horrible to some of you, but I honestly think that you need to do what works with your kids.

And I think that if the BVM was changing my sons diaper, she would probably not put up with his temper tantrum either, but that is total conjecture.
I spanked my older children, but stopped when they got to be about 7. By the time they have reason, I would rather appeal to it than spank.

So I say spank, but gradually work your way towards non-corporal forms of punishment as the child gets older.
 
One time my son, at age three or so was pulling the cat through the kitchen by his tail. He was spanked for it. One of my friends said “I don’t think the BVM would have spanked Jesus.” My reply was… “I don’t Jesus would have dragged that cat by it’s tail either.”

Spankings should be rare, but on occasion they really are warranted.

-D
 
Spank 'em if you want to.

God Bless you Dad of 9!

I break all the rules. I don’t worry about how often I spank or whatever. I focus more on whether they deserve it and how much is appropriate.

My spankings run everywhere from playful to harsh discipline.

There seems to be a pervasive mentality that thinks there is no distinguishing between spanking, punching, beating, and murder. I’m smart enough to be able to distinguish between them all, and so are my children.
 
My take on discipline.

we are also AP people who strive not to spank. I am not always successful but I can admit that!
Jamieshub- your question is about your 1 year old =) Thats still a baby! Maybe we need a forum for child rearing so you and others and myself can post parenting questions… hmm
Anyway we were the same way with our first. You think hes not a baby, but he is! I’m not sure what you are seeing you need to correct with a swat but is it possible that your house needs more child proofing or there are other ways to address what is going on? I have a 16month old and nothing shes done has had me tempted to spank her-- I know with my son my husband had already given him swats at this age for what now seem like nutty things. (think videos on a low shelf)
I dont have anything accessible to little ones in my house that they are not welcomed to explore. Its my responsibility as a parent to provide a secure enviroment for my child to grow. Part of a child’s natural development is curiosity and running all of their ‘experiments’. I think its essential to exaime the motives of the child to even begin to consider whether they are doing something ‘wrong’. If there is hitting/ kicking/ biting which are the biggest problems I have in my house we redirect. I think there are physical and tactile needs that need to be addressed in the children so if they feel the impulse to do these things --obviously we canot allow them to act on them in ways that can hurt themselves or others-- BUT-- we can redirect them to ways they can safely express the impulse-- Bite an apple, kick a ball, hit a pillow. This is how we diffuse a situation and prevent discipline from becoming a battle of wills. We still manage to teach biting people is not going to happen, while showing how to appropriately express biting.
For myself spanking is always a near occassion of sin- I cant justify it for use with these children I’ve been blessed with-- I cant justify it when I have other tools to use.
Both my husband and I did a lot of researching, and what we came up with was that our family is supposed to be a refelection of God- more specifically the Family of God. The Son isnt obedient to the Father/ doesnt love the Father simply because of ‘fear’ of Him and we dont want our children to only fall in line to us because of fear/ pain/ punishment-- our goal is that our children freely choose to obey us because we love them and in turn they love us.
I find that the place we need to show Christian Love the MOST is at home. Being Christ to strangers should be an easy part time experience-- but sometimes we treat our own family so much worse than strangers on the street. Sometimes we care more about what a stranger on the street or the family in the next pew will think about us, than we worry about how we are seen by our own spouses or children. The real struggle in our family is to make ourselves more clearly express how we are made in God’s image…
pax tibi
Lori
 
Read Dr.Dobson’s Dare to discipline this is a timeless classic and has been updated, Dr.Dobson not only writes a book on discipline he tells exactly how he and his wife used discipline with their children. He is a great guy 👍
 
A little about Dobson- granted this is not showing “both sides”, but one should know that he does advocate the use of a “switch”, this is not a pat on a well-diapered bottom, or spanking a child who ran into the street.

"Real crying usually lasts two minutes or less but may continue for five. After that point, the child is merely complaining, and the change can be recognized in the tone and intensity of his voice. I would require him to stop the protest crying, usually by offering him a little more of whatever caused the original tears."Dobson
:eek:

In The Strong-Willed Child (p.73), Dobson writes: “Some strong-willed children absolutely demand to be spanked, and their wishes should be granted.” As for the magnitude of the spanking, he argues that “two or three stinging strokes on the legs or buttocks with a switch are usually sufficient to emphasize the point, ‘You must obey me.’” (The Strong-Willed Child, pp. 53-4.)
 
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kamz:
Read Dr.Dobson’s Dare to discipline this is a timeless classic 👍
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Boy, do I second that! It’s a great book, and helped us tremendously when our son turned 3 and “NO!” became his favorite word. The method of spanking Dr. Dobson advocates works like a charm – at least it did for us. Used properly, spanking should be very minimal and infrequent.

Good luck!!!

Susie…
 
Dr. Dobson’s entire view of the human person is utterly flawed. He believes in treating children with no dignity because he does not view the human person as beautiful creation of God but as a corrupt fallen creature.

It makes sense that he also advocates masturbation as healthy for adolescents. He also approves of contraception as a part of a healthy marriage.

Why on earth would you want to take parenting advice from someone who has no grasp of the true nature of the human person?

Would you take medical advice from an aboriginal witch doctor?

Would you seek spiritual advice from an atheist?
 
hmm, thats interesting, I’ve never heard those things about Dr.Dobson, before I agree with you I’ll have to do some research but thanks for the info.
 
Consider this:

Parents have been using spanking as a discipline tool for generations. Now suddenly it’s gonna screw up your kids? Hogwash!

I don’t worry about whether I’m angry or not. Thats bogus. The only reason this piece of advice came about is because some people can’t control themselves when they are angry. So what should have been a firm spank turns into a reckless beating.

If you’re one of those people - I wouldn’t recommend spanking AT ALL. It’s not worth the risk.

Also, I don’t worry about using it as a last resort. I use anything and everything I can for discipline. Sometimes it’s just a light tap to remind them what’s coming if the behavior isn’t corrected. Sometimes I just clap my hands and start warming them up. I find that if you don’t “use it as a last resort” and give yourself permission to use it freely - that “anger” stage is avoided altogether.

I take a “use it all” approach. I find much of the “non-violent” stuff the Popcak’s recommend is already employed - when the situation warrants.

Love them too. Many, many times after a harsh spanking, the child will come to me, then sit on my lap and we hug for a long time. This is a key teaching moment I’ve learned. This is the time for the lecture as they soak it all up.
 
Ham1,

I just searched online and yes, you are correct about those allegations about Dr.Dobson, wow, I’m just so shocked,I didn’t have any idea, how sad:(
 
It’s really not surprising about Dr. Dobson, though. He IS a protestant and so his view of the human person is VERY different from the view of Catholicism. Given his view of the person, he sees no problem with contraception and masturbation.

It would seem that the first principle of discipline is to understand who you are disciplining. As a result of his religious views Dr. Dobson’s first principle is radically different from the Catholic first principle. Logically then, the ideas that follow will be flawed, some more obviously than others.

For discipline advice from a truly Catholic perspective I would look to Dr. Gregory Popcak.
 
ditto on the dobson. This is why theology plays such a big role in how we strive to parent. I think theres always an underlining theology to experts adive on discipline even if they dont recognize it as such.

I also dispute the fact that spanking has been used for generations and that makes it ok. Its a weak argument and my family does not have a history of spanking going back generations.

An example of theology being behind spanking would be someone I know who is presbyterian. They believe that our nature is now “evil” or “bad” because of the fall and sin. To them they must teach their children good and to do this they must break the will through spanking.
This is like a 180 from what I am aware the Church teaches. I also take into consideration the ‘age of reason’. How does this affect what we should expect of a child?
Also when looking at age of accountbility for sins in the OT I find this supports the idea of an age of reason. I don’t think its a matter of breaking a will, but much of what you could interpret as ‘disobedience’ is child development so the behavior will fade as the child ages – grows into reason. love to hear if anyone else ponders these things =)
-k
 
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SteveG:
Let’s take a closer look at these…

Nothing about spanking here. Discipline yes. We all agree discipline is necessary, we are talking about how to achieve it.

OK, that one is pretty unequivocal:D

The rod/staff in OT times can also be seen to represent the rod/staff of the shepard. Such a rod isn’t used to beat the sheep, but rather to gently nudge and guide them in the right direction. Anywy, it doesn’t say, strike with the rod and staff.

Ditto.

nothing about spanking. Of course children must be disciplined and corrected. But how?

Nothing about spanking

With the exception of one of the above, the case is far from closed that the bible indicates one should spank.
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SteveG: There are many quotes regarding discipline, I tried to show that there are a couple of other methods for disciplining. Spanking is not the only option, training is the prime tool. Discipline comes from the word disciple, which is tied to learning. But spanking is an option and very effective for very young childen.It should only be used for the first few years until the child reaches understanding.
 
Jamie,

There are so many replies. All in all, in the end, you have to find what works for your child. What works for one family may not work for you. I think that Steve Wood has great information and he also has a website for dads at dads.org.

What works for my kids boy age 13 and girl age 9 was spanking. However, I have to say I use the “1, 2, 3.” I can count on one hand how many spanks they have had in their life. When they were young toddlers I would tell them to stop and say “you are now on 1,” and show them 1 finger. If we got to two I would do the same. I remember when my daughter was two or three she pushed and pushed and I told her you don’t want to go to 3. She just had to see what would happen. When I said that was 3, she got a quick slap on her bottom. She was shocked and upset.

As our kids grew up, “we would just say your on 1,” or even better if we didn’t like how they were acting when we were in a group we would just hold up our finger on a 1 or a 2. They knew we didn’t like what they are doing. After getting a spanking once twice or even 3 times, they don’t, at least my kids didn’t ever want to get to 3.

Our children are very respectful of people of all ages. For us this works. Even now I will say to either of them, “don’t push me your on 1.” They know that through respect not to cross that line.

Good luck in the choice that you feel is right for you.

God Bless,
Gail
 
I also want to add. That once we spank, we would tell them what they did wrong and ask for an apology. We would get a tearful “sorry.” We would then say we were sorry for having to spank. We end by a hug and a kiss.
 
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iguana27:
I have a 14 month old who throws temper tantrums when I try to change his diaper. He is very strong and flips over and crawls away. Sometimes the only way I can get him to lay still is a small quick slap on the thigh. It doesn’t even leave a red mark, but it is what he needs to calm down. Nothing else works. He actually seems happier after I do it.

I know that probably seems horrible to some of you, but I honestly think that you need to do what works with your kids.
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Yes actually it does sound horrible and frankly it shows a lack of understanding of the stage and resources of your 14 month old.

I hate to tell you this, but this behavior is pretty normal. Both of our boys until they were at least 18 to 24 months were the same. And you need not spank to remedy this. An active energetic 14 month old who has trouble sitting still for diaper and clothing changes is just being a normal baby. Nothing evil in these acts which require physical punishment. A little creativity and more importantly patience is in order here. For you this is a matter of getting this chore done so you can get to whatever’s next. Your child is incapable of understanding that agenda. For him, it’s a matter of the novelty of being diaper free and wanting to run around that way for a bit. I think you might need to be a bit more understanding of the stage your child is at.
 
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